Don’t be shamed getting back into the game

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After my ugly divorce, I couldn’t stay far enough away from men. But suddenly with spring here, that repugnance is over! I feel happy and alive again — and attractive. In fact, I’ve found myself looking at men shopping alone in stores and wondering what they’d be like in sexual situations.

I’m just looking, or at least I thought I was. But recently I was shopping with a girlfriend in a garden centre and spotted a guy I used to date back in university. I left my pal standing there with our cart overflowing and rushed over to him.

We chatted, I got his new number and phoned him when I got home. Now we have a date to go to a concert. I’m excited for the first time in months, but my girlfriend tells me I’m making myself look desperate. Ouch! That hurts. But then I thought, “What’s the matter with taking things into my own hands?”

— Hardly Desperate, Just Excited, downtown

Dear Hardly Desperate: Don’t fall into the trap of being shamed by your friend, who’s disgusted by your ability to be forward and friendly. Why would stopping to chat with this old boyfriend be considered a desperate move, and who’s judging anyway? Not stopping to say hello would have been rude.

You are definitely ready now and finding yourself some new dating adventures, so this cautious buddy is not the best companion. Take different friends out with you who’d be supportive and say, “Way to go — good for you, girlfriend!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend and I are a lesbian couple. The only problem we have is this — she talks in her sleep and she dreams of old flames. I don’t want to know about them, and I sure as heck don’t want to hear their names!

Couldn’t she get hypnotized or something, so she doesn’t call out names that hurt me?

— Plugging My Ears, Wolseley

Dear Plugging: Plugging your ears certainly takes the romance out of sleeping together. Hypnotism is worth a try, but don’t count on it, as dreams aren’t easily manipulated and the sessions can be expensive.

You may not want to stay with this partner when it’s almost scary to go to sleep beside her, and certainly a turn-off when she starts the roll call of former lovers!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think my new girlfriend is wonderful, but her three hockey- and soccer-playing kids don’t really like me. It’s not a jealousy matter. I’m a serious badminton player, and I like a good game of tennis or golf once in a while, but that’s about it. Is there any chance with someone if you and their kids look at each other and say, “Not happening!”

— Losing Interest Fast, St. James

Dear Losing Interest: It’s much easier if you and a new woman’s children get along. Life is too short for everyone concerned in a “new” family relationship to be at odds and not feeling happy, especially if you all end up living together.

The stilted relationship you have now may only be tolerable once the kids are grown and gone from the family home, and even then, visits could be difficult. You’d be best to keep on searching!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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