Some emotional cowards afraid of widows, widowers

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/01/2017 (3529 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am responding to Been There Too, the lady who lost her husband and found herself left out of social events. Wow, have you hit the land of grief and sorrow. I, too, lost my husband right after Christmas and my social life has gone down the tube. I live in a small town and can’t believe how people I considered friends no longer call or drop by to see how l’m doing. Some even look the other way if I meet them at the local post office.

The funeral for my husband was well-attended, but locals and friends from out of town seem to think I have died, too. I don’t want to monopolize their time or have dinner with them or happy hour every day, but they never even make contact. I have called a few and invited them for coffee, and get replies such as, “Oh that would be nice,” but they never come.

I try to be friendly when I run into people and go to children’s events at the school or curling club, but I only get hellos and inquiries about how I am doing from just a few. Some of my husband’s closest curling buddies never even sent a card. Am I out of step? l am planning to move back to Winnipeg where there are many more opportunities to join seniors’ groups, volunteer and meet others who are lonely.

I’ll bet if you ask how many readers have become widows or widowers, you will be flooded with replies from lonely people. I am going to start visiting and calling all the ones I knew once to see if they are pushing themselves to get out and about. Life is short, grab what you can and don’t forget the friends who need a friendly visit. You don’t need an invitation! — Hard Lessons Learned, Rural Manitoba Town

Dear Hard Lessons Learned: There are a lot of emotional cowards in the world. They are afraid if they ask a widow, “How are you?” it’s going to bring on tears they can’t handle. They don’t realize, in a lot of situations, that the widow or widower is pretty much cried out, except for some moments where a memory of their loved one makes them cry for a few minutes. Some people can’t even take one tear and feel they have brought on more sadness for you.

The best way to reconnect with those people is to get overinvolved in sports and arts activities where you meet to do something, not to talk about how you are. That’s more fun for you, too! You need to be talking about the things you are doing now that your mate has gone.

You don’t say how far out of Winnipeg you live, but you might want to join Group of Friends, a widows and widowers friendship and support group which is an offshoot of Adventures for Successful Singles. The group, which has a number of seniors and more women than men, meets one Wednesday a month over dinner at the Viscount Gort. You could drive in for it, even stay at the hotel if the weather isn’t good, or wait until you move to the city. Going now would be a good start to making a circle of friends to enjoy when you live in Winnipeg. Call 204-981-8643 for more information.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography