Mother-in-law overstayed welcome and had to go

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This article was published 28/01/2017 (3527 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think I burned the bridge with my mother-in-law. She came in from the farm to stay for three days and just kept on staying. On the eighth day I said, “Come on, I’m taking you to the bus.” She asked why and I explained that she said she was only coming for three days and it was now over a week and it was time for her to go home. She got in a huff, grabbed her suitcase, threw her clothes in and said, “I’m not driving with you!”

She called a cab and took off. Good riddance. My wife isn’t speaking to me though. We have only been married two years and I already hate her overbearing mother. I do love my wife, but part of the reason she married me was to get away from her mother. I just won’t let the old hen push us around. Please help.

— Nasty Husband, Weston

Dear Nasty Husband: Don’t apologize and invite your mother-in-law back right now. Encourage your wife to go visit her mother any time she wants and you’ll pay for the gas or the bus tickets. They can have a relationship separate from you for a time. It’s not likely your wife will go home a lot, but she will know she’s most welcome to do it and that may be enough for your beloved on this issue.

Your mother-in-law can come to town and stay in a hotel, or with other relatives in the city for the next while, but don’t let her force her way into your new marriage and break it up. Your wife needs somebody to be the heavy and you’re it, mister.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a little boy who is old for his age and asks a lot of questions. He also likes to listen in on adult conversation and report things. A few days ago, he overheard his dad talking to somebody on the phone and apparently said, “Stop crying and don’t ever call me at home again.” My little guy wanted to know who was crying.

I wanted to know too, so I spent a few days snooping and now I know about his other woman, but what do I do with the information? The odd thing is, I’m not very surprised and not as upset as I should be. I realize I’m not in love with this idiot anymore. In a way, it’s the excuse I need to leave him or kick him out and keep the house.

Should I make a big fuss, so I can be the wronged partner and turf him out, or should I try to be as amicable as possible for my son? I did not cheat on my husband, but I did stop wanting to sleep with him because he bores me stiff.

— Thinking Hard, North End

Dear Thinking Hard: There is a lot to be said for amicable partings, although it can sometimes leave the child confused. “Why are Mommy and Daddy breaking up if they aren’t mad at each other? Do parents just leave each other for no reason?” It just doesn’t make sense to them.

You don’t have to explain to your son about the other woman, but you do need to say you and dad have serious problems where you’re not happy anymore together and are going to split up. But both of you still love him just as much, and both you and his dad will continue to be with him, although you live in different houses. Stress to your boy that nothing of this problem has been caused by your child’s behaviour. It’s the best you can do in a situation that actually feels the worst for your child.

There are a lot of things that a kid doesn’t dare say to a parent. If you can get professional help for your little guy in this confusing situation, be sure do it and make sure his teachers and school counsellors know.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read the sad letter from Gambling Addict’s Wife who was lied to until everything was gone and thought I would mention something about why he didn’t confess sooner. I had a very strict aunt in another province who was my mom’s favourite sister. Her youngest child had to wear ugly corrective shoes, which made her insecure. Her siblings and the whole family were known for their strong moral character in their small city. To feel attractive and loved, my niece gave in to her boyfriend, had sex, got pregnant and was terrified to tell her mom, who she figured wouldn’t forgive her or understand. She feared hurting her mom’s feelings after all her strict teachings.

Finally, she rather flippantly told her mom, “I’m pregnant,” and got ready to duck. True to expectations, her mom was upset and hurt that she sinned by being unmarried and pregnant and had the audacity to lie about it for quite a while.

My mother explained to my aunt that her daughter kept it secret because she loved her and was so afraid of the hurt she would cause. My aunt finally understood and the gulf between she and her daughter was removed.

I think that Gambling Addict’s Wife was lied to for the same reason. Gamblers always think they will win all their money back, pay off their debts and no one will know about their losses. If he didn’t love her so much, he would probably have told her sooner because he wouldn’t care if she was hurt. He protected her from the awful truth as long as he could. What do you think? Could my mom’s reasoning apply here as well?

— Anonymous Daughter, Manitoba

Dear Anonymous Daughter: This reasoning may be true for young women with close relationships to their mother, or adult gamblers with a great love for their mates, but a lot of gamblers are scared stiff to tell the truth because they are going to be in big trouble and looked down upon by everyone in the family. Many people of both sexes with decent marriages and children they love and support get pulled slowly into the gambling addiction because it provides constant hits of adrenalin, distraction from problems and stress at work and relief from boredom.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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