Bring back passion and get some action

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/04/2017 (3470 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife told me yesterday as we were getting into bed that she didn’t want sex again, that she still loves me, but she doesn’t love “it.” She pointed at my sexual apparatus. She used to love that thing. What happened? We have been married for five years; we should be having sex every night. It works better than a sleeping pill. Are all women like this? My first wife was sort of the same, but this is worse.

— Pulling My Hair Out, Southdale

Dear Pulling My Hair Out: I’ve heard many women say, “I loved the sex before marriage, but I hate married sex.” To them, married sex means you meet at the exact same place — the bedroom — at the same time, when the kids are in bed, the sports game and the news are over, and both people are dead tired from working all day. You take off your own clothes, turn off the light and get into bed. The husband gets aroused in response to her being close, and he would like to be off to the races!

Married sex can also be a negative thing for guys. It’s when his wife sighs, as if she’s saying, “This is just another job to do,” maybe tries to get herself into it, and finally says something that amounts to “Just do what you want and get it over with.”

Holiday sex is better, unless the kids are there and sleeping in the same hotel room. First-time sex, courting sex and makeup sex are much better, often memorable because things are new and emotional. So how can you turn cold, married sex back into, say (to use an old word) courting? How do you reintroduce novelty when there hasn’t been any for years?

First, start reading. Creative sex authors have applied themselves vigorously to this problem, so there is a lot of research to do. For instance, at Chapters, Cosmopolitan magazine’s book 365 Naughty Nights: A Year of Hot Sex is popular, as is its Little Big Book of Sex Games, written by an assortment of editors. There’s also 365 Sex Positions and 365 Sex Thrills by Lisa Sweet.

But, the romancing ahead of time is more important than the sex-idea books. So while you’re reading, start sprinkling your relationship with compliments, flowers, hugs, and support on all fronts. Happily suggest you handle child care more often so she can get out on her own to see friends, go to movies, exercise, join activities and hit the beauty salons.

Plan dates where you get to hold hands and talk, do something completely new, explore intimate little ethnic bistros or even go dancing. Remember all that stuff you did before you got married? Bring it out of the back of your memory to the front, and start all over again. It will be worth it for both of you, and your kids.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My Italian mother is such a nag, she calls to nag about cooking and housekeeping even though I’m living with my fiancé. She has a lot of annoying old-country advice to give on how to be a good partner (said sarcastically), and to get him to actually marry me the way it’s supposed to be, in a church with a priest. I’d like to pop her in her big, fat nose.

She thinks just living together with my guy means I don’t rate enough with him to be a real wife. How can I straighten her out? My boyfriend just thinks she’s funny, a throwback from the 1950s. What my mother doesn’t know is that it’s me who’s dragging my feet on the marriage thing because I don’t like the marriage she puts up with, where my father talks down to her and she takes it out, sometimes viciously, on us kids. — Canadian Daughter, West End

Dear Canadian Daughter: You’re going to have to introduce a rude behaviour intervention system to your Italian Mama. First, tell her it’s obvious she knows when she’s annoying and/or hurting you, and still does it. You have decided to help her to stop so you can remain friends, because right now, that’s up for question.

Tell her you will end conversations the minute she starts up being nasty and leave your house/her house if she continues. Then do it. Put your hand up like a traffic cop, and stop her the moment she gets into nagging, belittling or outright insulting. The visit ends if she doesn’t stop. If it’s on the phone, tell her to stop immediately, and if she doesn’t, tell her goodbye and that you will talk to her another day when she can be nice.

Warn her that your partner has said he will have a talk with your mom if she doesn’t understand she’s being nasty to her daughter. Tell her clearly which subjects won’t be tolerated, and get started immediately. When she strays into badmouthing/nagging territory, say right away, “That’s it, Ma. Stop now, or I’m going home” and jangle the keys in your pocket.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve read the dialogue in your column about the struggles families face when caring for a person with memory loss. At the Alzheimer Society of Manitoba, that’s what we are here for! (The discussion started with a letter from Need a Natural Upper, who asked for ways for “regaining her equilibrium” after visiting her mom with Alzheimer’s who often forgets who she is, and lashes out.)

In Winnipeg, and at our regional locations, we can provide one-on-one support with confidential, supportive counselling, and people can learn about other services we offer, such as educational sessions to help families work through difficult circumstances. The society wants people impacted by Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias to have the support they need so they can live lives of meaning.

We can be reached at 204-943-6622, 1-800-378-6699, alzheimer.mb.ca, alzmb@alzheimer.mb.ca and at our office at 120 Donald St.

— Norma J. Kirkby, Program Director, Alzheimer Society of Manitoba, Winnipeg

Dear Norma: Thanks for sending in your information to help Need a Natural Upper deal with the fallout after visiting her mother. I’m sure she will find a lot of help from the Alzheimer society’s experience and resources.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography