Boyfriend’s mother has serious problems

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This article was published 02/04/2017 (3348 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I finally went to my boyfriend’s house, and his single mother was dressed all sexy. She was saying a lot of things over dinner about her son that were inappropriate for a mother. It felt like she was in competition with me, for him. I felt quite sick when we left and he apologized for the way his mother acted. He said there was nothing he could do about her, but I had to meet her to know.

He looked at me so sorrowfully I didn’t know what to say. I asked him how he will ever get a woman to agree to be part of his life with his mom like that, and he told me he planned to get a job in another city so he could have his own life, even though it would break her heart. He said she was drunk when we saw her, although she didn’t slur her words. He’s in his early 20s and doesn’t live at home (he moved out at 16). He put himself through university by working, and with some financial help from his father in another province. I know he will get a great job somewhere as he has top marks.

I admire him very much, but the family situation is too uncomfortable. When I said I couldn’t see him anymore, he said he understood. I really liked him, but I couldn’t take it — all the red flags were up with her. I just feel really guilty. What should I have done? — Feeling Badly, Downtown

Dear Feeling Badly: You did what you had to do, and believe him: he will soon move far away and never come back. This not something you can handle, and by his reaction, he was not expecting you to behave any differently. Maybe he was trying to show you what he has to deal with around his mother, so you wouldn’t get any ideas of getting closer. I suspect he has already done some therapy, as he got out of there and away from her at 16 and was able to get himself through high school and university. But it could take a very long time for him to feel safe from her and whatever she has done.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I come from a very abusive marriage. For 15 years I lived this way. My two children and I have been out of this marriage for almost 10 years now and we are very happy, but people are always commenting, saying mental abuse is worse than physical abuse. Physical abuse you can get over because the bruises/breaks heal and go away, but mental abuse sticks with you forever. This makes me so angry that people can say this.

Do they think that when people are physically abused that they aren’t mentally abused too? Some people who are mentally abused are not physically abused, but typically when someone is mentally abused (by their partner) it will lead to physical abuse. Why do people say this? Every single time my ex-husband abused me it always started with the mental abuse and then led into the physical.

I want people to know that physical abuse is just as bad as mental abuse and neither of them is worse than the other: they’re both terrible and both have lifelong lasting effects on someone. No one can tell me that all the scars and bruises go away. Tell that to the scars on the side of my face, or my broken wrist that never healed properly that I still have issues with and will for the rest of my life, among other injuries. Thanks for listening. — Sick of This, Manitoba

Dear Sick of This: Thanks for writing and explaining this so clearly to people. No wonder you feel angry when people start spouting off, and they are often so wrong. Every type of abuse is horribly painful and leaves deep scars.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
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