Disapproval of son’s wife manifests in other ways

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/04/2017 (3450 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My daughter-in-law has become more and more distant. My son and their three-year-old daughter are part of the picture. She’s been working on her first book project since before their daughter was born. All along she has said she would finish it in six months, then another four months, and now her grants have run out.

My son is footing all the household bills now (and paid the majority all along). They expected to be a two-income family when they married seven years ago. It’s an off-limits topic. I believe I’m now the last person she wants to see.

We had a good, friendly relationship in the beginning. They bought a house to be close to me and gave me a set of keys. I helped them move in. When their baby was born, I went overnight once a week to help with housework and the baby. We all used to exchange emails a few times a month.

My daughter-in-law says she needs gluten-free food, but has given me no medical reason. For this reason I’m skeptical, but when they visited, I either bought or baked gluten-free things. It was very expensive.

I fear that my daughter-in-law will become even more estranged from me. She’s quite controlling and touchy. I’ve never offered her advice, either on writing or their baby. They both know I would like to see more of them, especially my granddaughter.

Since she was born, I’ve been paying a large amount annually into a registered education fund for her. My daughter-in-law doesn’t thank me, though my son does. I’m starting to feel resentful. Any suggestions?

— Not What Was Hoped For, Winnipeg

Dear Not What Was Hoped For: You are not what your son’s wife hoped for in the beginning. Yes, you have kept silent over your disapproval and disappointments in her, but your feelings have come across anyway, possibly through expressions on your face, or perhaps silences where you could have spoken or been encouraging.

At first your husband’s new wife may have thought she was going to be a romantic version of you, so she and your son bought a house close by, and handed you the keys. That was too close.

It seems the daughter-in-law now thinks you look down your nose at her, and she’s right. You think she’s a leech on your son, a writer who can’t get her act together and a woman who feigns food intolerances.

Also, you feel she should be repeatedly expressing gratefulness for this expensive education fund you set up, which neither she nor your son asked for.

So let’s face facts: you and your daughter-in-law may never be buddies again, but you want to see your son and granddaughter more, so how about taking off the stress by going for regular walks with your son and the little one. Enjoy the two people who do want to see you. Your daughter-in-law will be relieved she doesn’t have to fake it and go with you — and she gets a break.

As for the education fund, that was your troublesome choice. You might want to cap that off now and give it to your son to spend on the family or to start his own education fund for his child.

Just be grandma. Stop thinking of the baby’s mom as your daughter-in-law and think of her as your son’s wife.

Enjoy your son and granddaughter on your own little jaunts around, and let go of the negative emotions surrounding this prickly situation, which can’t be good for your health.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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