Butt out of niece’s conflict with religious friend

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This article was published 24/04/2017 (3426 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young niece confided in me that she was sad on her birthday because her best friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, could not be a part of the celebration. I’ve been in a complicated friendship with a Jehovah’s Witness for over 40 years and if I could go back and undo it I would.

I would like to tell my sister-in-law she should discourage the friendship because the facts are that it can never be inclusive, loyal or reciprocating and will always be marred by disappointment. Am I overstepping my bounds? Thank you for your time.

— Eye Witness, Wolseley

Dear Eye Witness: If you go running to her mom to meddle like this, you’re definitely overstepping and meddling. Your experience is not guaranteed to be your niece’s experience, and it is her friend, not yours.

I still remember what it was like to be a young girl with 10 churches in our town. I would defy anyone who told me to back off a friendship with someone of a different religion and I would have been really angry with an aunt who meddled like this, and tried to go through my mother to do it.

I would have backed away from the aunt. If your niece is close enough to confide in you, you clearly don’t want that.

Curiously, you have stuck with your Jehovah’s Witness friend for 40 years. You could have talked it out or backed off when the unhappiness outweighed the good part of the friendship, but clearly it didn’t and you’re still friends. Think about why.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been in class with this gorgeous male teacher since September. I will graduate high school with very high marks in June and go to university in the fall. I’m very mature for my age.

This man is in his 20s and is a new teacher to the school. I’ve had a crush on him since I first saw him and it has only gotten worse over the year. My heart gallops when I see him, even in the hall, and when he comes into the classroom, I am in heaven.

But here’s the weird part: when I have run into him at the grocery store near our school, he doesn’t look or act the same, and I don’t feel the same way. It’s like there’s two people. He looks smaller and less significant and he can’t seem to carry on a conversation outside of class.

Do you understand this?

— Puzzled Graduating Student, Winnipeg

Dear Puzzled Graduating Student: When he walks into the classroom, all eyes are on him and he’s the performer — the star in this daily drama. He is the authority figure and the expert. You are sitting down and he is standing up, so he appears bigger. When you see him “off stage” out in the world, he’s just another guy picking up food. Some people are very much drawn to experts, performers and stars, and it’s even more pronounced in university settings where you will be headed in September. Accept that you are the type who crushes on academic stars and try to be amused rather than upset by it.

You can’t go after this high school teacher and he can’t react to you either, because he could lose his job for getting involved with a student. So just enjoy the times when you see him in class, and let it pass. When you start university next year, your world will have a lot of new, intelligent guys walking into it and you will forget this high school teacher crush very quickly.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a neighbour whose fenced backyard is visible from my second-storey back window. It is a disgrace! Every day I look out at it and get angry. How could she be such a filthy pig? There are boxes and sticks and an old suitcase and God knows what standing in heaps like she pitched them from the back door.

I know she has a lame leg, but there’s no excuse not to hire somebody to clean up that mess in the yard. My former neighbour who lived there died. She must be horrified to look down and see what this woman has done to her beautiful yard, which was always a pleasure to look at from my bedroom. Should I report her to the city?

— Unsightly View From Here, North End

Dear Unsightly View From Here: This yard is only an eyesore from your back window. Who stands at their bedroom window every day and critiques the yards they can see into? Calling in authorities is an aggressive, negative reaction and will make enemies of you and this neighbour. She will easily guess who did it. Here’s a positive way to address your concern about her yard: maybe you could take her some baking one day and chit-chat about your yards and you could offer to help her out, noting that she has a hurt leg and might need a little help.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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