Jealousy grows over neighbour’s garden

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This article was published 08/05/2017 (3107 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My neighbour is out gardening already and the competition is on. I can see her fat rear end in the air as she starts her pumpkins way before everyone else. I hope it snows again and they freeze! She is so full of herself.

I was on my daily walk to 7-Eleven today and she called out to me, “Why aren’t you out in the lovely sunshine getting your garden started?” I lost it. I said, “I don’t need to because we’ve got you in the neighbourhood to show us all up, and rub it in.” She said, “Well I never!” and slammed into her house. Good! I hope she stays there all summer. The trouble is, we don’t have fences in our neighbourhood. Why are some neighbours so rude?

— Fed Up To Here, Windsor Park

Dear Fed Up To Here: It sounds like you’re a tad defensive and rude yourself. Why are you so jealous of her garden? What if she started the annual competition and you didn’t enter? Next time you see her, tell her you are sorry you blew up and make up instead of fighting with her. Tell her that her garden looks great and to have fun and keep walking. If she wants to talk gardens, tell her you’re not so much into gardening anymore and you’ve taken up other things you’re more interested in. If she presses for examples, tell her something silly like you’re addicted to Sudoku puzzles now. That should make her eyes glaze over.

Once you’ve made peace, you might take it one step further — does she have a sense of humour? Could you tap into that? My dad used to stick long-stemmed fake flowers in the snowbanks in the flower beds outside our house to tease the successful gardener next door. Then he would call her up and say, “Hello, Annie. I think you should take a look out your front window!” What’s stopping you from hitting a dollar store for some ridiculously big blooms for your flower beds and poking them in right now and having some fun with it?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m writing about the lady called Drowning in Flowers and Jewels, whose boyfriend can’t stop giving her gifts. You said to delve into his background to find out if he was ever poor, or accused of being cheap. I think there are big red flags over his actions. He is treating her as a possession, not as an equal. This may well be replaced with violence should she try to break off the relationship or once they get married and he no longer needs to woo her. I think she needs to be careful.

— Advising Caution, Winnipeg

Dear Advising Caution: You have a point, but it goes too far to assume he’s buying her and he will turn to violence if she wants to break up. She would be best to talk it out with him now and if he can’t get over his need to dazzle her with gifts, she’ll need to move on to someone who has more self-confidence. She might suggest he get some professional help with this need to please, but he won’t appreciate it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is about the 70-year-old woman called Mother in Despair whose 50-year-old son hasn’t talked to her or visited since Christmas 2015, no matter how much she tries to reach out online. He walked out when a guest showed up during his visit with mom. You suggested she go over and see her son in person to find out what’s up, as it doesn’t seem normal and he may be depressed. But I’m thinking this: could that particular guest have been the problem? Perhaps there is a history between the son and the guest, which caused him to leave abruptly. If the mother was aware of the history, or if he believed (even wrongly) she was aware of it, the guest’s appearance could have seemed to be the ultimate betrayal.

The mother had been making a point of not having others around when her son was there, so she knew there was a problem. It would have been easy to tell her son in advance that this guest had also been invited, giving him the chance to opt out. The reason for the breakup might not have been one-sided. It could be, “You know I hate so-and-so! Why did you invite him or her?” Or, “When will you stop matchmaking?” Mother and son might be able to resolve the issue between themselves, or joint counselling might be more appropriate than a psychiatrist for the son.

— Just Thinking, Winnipeg

Dear Just Thinking: I agree that even a combination of your ideas could be what set the son off. He exhibited a harsh response to another person showing up in the house: walking out and cutting his mother off completely. Your guess that it may have been an ex-love is one scenario that would be reasonable for him to walk out so angry. I would like to invite Mother in Despair to write back with more details about that incident. I still advise she goes to see her son in person, as that kind of contact — eyes, smiles, voice, warmth and understanding — is so much better than cold black type on a screen.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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