Mom’s sex life has daughter worried

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This article was published 24/07/2017 (3365 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a single woman now and we kids are all in our late teens and early 20s, and we are all in relationships or between them. Mom came home from her first date, or so we thought, at 5 a.m. Some date!

Two of us were shocked when she came stumbling in and we woke up. She was acting half asleep and had liquor on her breath. Her hair was a mess and we were hoping no one had roughed her up. When we suggested that, she chuckled and said no, and then told us to go and get to bed. I hung around anyway and offered to make her tea and she said no. As she took off her raincoat, I noticed her top was inside out and backwards. Then I knew for sure.

I was very upset somehow, even though our dad left her for another woman four years ago and he’s already remarried. I didn’t say anything to her. Is it my job to overlook the fact she’s obviously having sexual relations again. Does she need a little guidance and counselling? I really find that idea yucky to talk about, but mom has been out of the dating world for a long time, and I’ll bet she’s not up to date on how the world runs now.

— Oldest Daughter’s Worries, Winnipeg

Dear Oldest Daughter’s Worries: Your mother may have been dating discreetly way before this. You could ask her if she wants to ask you any dating questions about the modern world, but she will likely laugh and say no.

She has girlfriends her age and some of them will be single. She also is dating guys close to her age, perhaps a little older or a little younger, but her men are not going to be much like your young men. You could slyly mention her sweater was inside out the other night, but be nice about it. Let her know you’re in the know, and let it go at that. See how much she wants to say to you. And don’t discuss it with your dad! It’s not his business at all.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a hot-looking bad boy on my list of guys I’m interested in. I went out with one of the good guys last night, and he was a boring 16-year-old guy with a driver’s licence. He didn’t touch me. I’m 15 and I want some fun, some laughs, some wrestling around in the back seat, but not some actual sex, as I won’t take chances on getting pregnant, and that’s what my older sister says is the only safe way.

She says “safes aren’t safe’’ but you need them, and I have no idea what for if your period is due or just over. I thought you had a whole week of safe sex on either side of that and the fertile week in the middle. Is she lying to me to make me keep my pants on? I don’t want her BSing me. —Nobody’s Fool, Wolseley

Dear Nobody’s Fool: Wouldn’t it be great if it were the case that females could have a predictable totally free week in the middle of their cycles for sex without protection?

Bad news, sister! Females cycles can shift by a week or two, or even skip a month without any warning depending on what’s going on in the body, and also what mental or emotional stresses that person is under. Plus, sperm can hang around and be viable for a number of days, and there are some hardy sperms who last even longer. Overall, there are millions of them swimming like mad up your vaginal canal — kind of like the firing action out of a canon.

Very seriously, you need to use two methods of birth control, such as the pill, an IUD or (less reliably) an anti-spermicidal agent, plus a barrier method such as a condom to make sure you don’t catch a vaginal infection or a nasty disease, such as the HIV virus.

Your sister is right, so I’m also telling you not to let some enthusiastic young man get into your vaginal playground at the tender age of 15. You’re much safer to engage in voluntary frotteurism where you rub your sexual parts together — with clothes on below the waist, at least — as you’re wrestling around making out, and one or hopefully both of you gain sexual satisfaction. (The ugly old expression you may have heard for this is dry humping.)

And yes, it can be a little messy, but then sex is often sweaty and happily messy. Nobody seems to mind that. The big advantage is you go home having had sexual fun, but you know you have not gotten pregnant.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boss is an absolute pig dog. I know he’s dishonest about important things, but he pays better money than other employers in the same field, probably to buy our silence. When I got my last paycheque, it felt a bit slimy, like he’s buying me off, too. I don’t want to lose 20 per cent of my salary or get fired from this place and lose my excellent standing and respect in the city, but now it’s starting to keep me up nights. Is there a compromise? What do you suggest?

— Feeling Guilty, North End

Dear Feeling Guilty: Your good feeling about yourself is more important than 20 per cent more salary. But if you use your guilt as a catalyst and do a thorough job search, you can find someone who will pay the same or a little more to get you to work for them, and it will be well worth changing companies. The way you feel about your own integrity plays a large factor in your self-esteem, your sleep quality, your mood and the way you present yourself to the world. Start looking for a new job and get your head up again, feeling proud of yourself.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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