Comforting words weren’t an invitation for sex

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This article was published 30/07/2017 (3338 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped a woman the other day because she was badmouthing me loudly to her friends at the bar, calling me dirty names. I caught her with her big mouth flapping. The bouncer hustled me out the door and said quietly in my ear, “Nice work. That girl has been putting you down to everybody who’ll listen. What did you do to make her hate you?” I said, “All I did was comfort the guy she just dumped, and she found out. She doesn’t want him, but apparently no one else can have him, either.”

The bouncer winked and said, “Maybe you’d like to come home and comfort me some night.” He was cute, and I said maybe I would and asked where he hung out after work, and gave him my best flirty smile. He told me the place a couple doors down.

The next time I saw him was the following night in that bar he named. He came over to me said a friendly, “Hi, I hope you’re behaving yourself tonight,” but then didn’t speak to me the rest of the night. I don’t understand men. What the heck happened? — Feeling Teased, Downtown

Dear Feeling Teased: He didn’t mean any harm. He was just kidding you the night before, taking “comfort” as a code word for having sex. It’s hard to teach someone the difference between kidding and meaning what they say. You found out, in a slightly embarrassing manner, that he was just playing. Perhaps he only wanted to be pleasant after he had to hustle you out the door for being violent.

Yes, a slap counts as an assault. Watch it!

This bouncer doesn’t want to hook up. He knew you were in his favourite after-work bar looking for him and possibly some comfort. He was nice enough to say hi and let you know he recognized you, but he had probably just been soothing your ego the previous night. Maybe he was embarrassed, having to throw a woman out. Just let it go and don’t chase him anymore.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 24 and so attracted to guys who play in bands that I have made quite a fool of myself over the last five or six years. I don’t know how to make my nerves stop pulsing when a cute guy starts playing his guitar or steps behind his drums to start up. I would like to get control of myself, grow up and make better choices, but I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. It’s the mystique of the drum beat, the arm muscles, the sweat and the passion of the guitar. Keyboard players don’t do anything for me. I don’t understand it. How do I stop the desire to get down with musicians?

— Helpless Groupie, Winnipeg

Dear Helpless Groupie: Instead of standing by salivating, it’s time to become a musician yourself. Research the best places for lessons and start as soon as possible. You could become a passable guitar player or drummer in six months with lots of practice. And you have probably picked up some moves, without knowing it, by studying musicians onstage. Then try to get into a band or start one yourself. Also, get into some singing so you can at least contribute some simple backup.

Try to get little gigs, even if you have to play for next to nothing, as you need to be onstage for the whole experience. Once you’re into playing with a band, you won’t be nearly as star-struck.

You have one short life to live. Instead of being a fan and a wannabe of anything in life, try to become a participant in what turns you on. It’s the difference between going to travelogues to see the seven wonders of the world, and actually getting on the plane, boat and train and taking off to experience them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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