Get husband to bring you to ex-in-laws’ party

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/08/2017 (3022 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I view things differently: I tend to be more black and white in my thinking but with some grey areas, and he is a very grey-area guy. We both entered our relationship with baggage, but have managed to work it out in counselling and have always come out stronger. We have both been married before and did not have children in our previous marriages.

Recently, my husband’s ex-father-in-law called and invited him to their anniversary party and he wants to go. I feel like it is completely inappropriate for them to have invited him and for him to go, as he was married in that family for less than three years, it was 15 years ago and neither side stayed in contact with each other until now.

My husband feels that I have a double standard, as I still talk to my ex-sisters-in-law, but here is the difference: I was a part of that family for 11 years, and even though I have been divorced for almost six years, I have never stopped talking to them. We meet once or twice a year in a public setting and keep in touch through texts and social media, but I don’t attend any of their family functions.

I feel like this was a door closed in my husband’s life 15 years ago and should not be reopened and become a part of our life now. So am I correct in feeling like boundaries are being crossed, or do I have a double standard happening?

— Annoyed as Heck, Winnipeg

Dear Annoyed as Heck: You’ve been crossing the ex-family boundaries from the get-go, so yes, you have a double standard happening now. Why do you insist your husband never again look at people he once cared about, such as his father-in-law? It’s likely you’re worried about your husband seeing his ex-wife again. And since the problems that split them up happened so long ago, you may fear he will be attracted to her again. Maybe you should suggest your husband take you with him, since there’s no funny business going on and he loves you. Were you not invited?

As for your own actions, you don’t physically see your ex-husband, but you hear about him all the time, through his sisters. You haven’t stopped, even though yours was a much longer marriage. Clearly, your new husband is OK with it. Why didn’t your husband have an insecurity fit? Because, to his way of thinking, you love each other now, not your old exes. It’s time for you to get on board the Trust Train.

Or, here’s a concept for you to consider. How about you and your husband both decide to completely cut off everybody related to your past marriages?

That’s just absurd, isn’t it?

And yet, that’s what you want your husband to do. The bottom line is he should go to the party if he feels like it, and take you, and you should go with him with a smile on your face.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for Up Against the Pool Wall, the guy whose wife wants a big swimming pool for their Labrador dog to enjoy. My daughter also has a black lab that loves water. We have a small backyard and have a kiddie pool and fill it with water. The lab loves it, he jumps in and out all day, especially in this heat. Labs love water, they aren’t that particular about where it is.

This is an inexpensive fix to their problem and low maintenance, too.

— Just Sayin’, Winnipeg

Dear Just Sayin: That makes a lot of sense, but I don’t think it’s anywhere near the scale the man’s wife envisions — a place where they can get in and swim with the dog. This is the dog that’s replacing the babies the husband doesn’t want to have for a decade.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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