Husband playing different game at kids’ events

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This article was published 25/09/2017 (3230 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband loves taking the kids to sports practices and games because there are so many soccer and hockey moms there and he loves to flirt. Harmless flirting is what he calls it. I know it for what it is. More women than men take their kids to practices and games where we live, and he’s right in there laughing, joking, sympathizing and being the great guy. He always goes dressed up and smelling good. I called him on it recently.

I believe that he loves me and doesn’t let it go any further, but these are big flirt fests and ego boosts for him. I wonder how many women are also dressing up and smelling sexy to see him there. He loves to go straight from work carrying a briefcase. In warmer weather his preferred outfit is biking shorts and a tight shirt. I resent what he’s doing and I hate having those same women telling me what a great husband I have. I’m no dummy. He sings my praises as part of his flirting repertoire. What can I do without seeming like a witch?

— Feeling Upset and Jealous, South End

Dear Feeling Upset and Jealous: Nothing like a harmless flirt to make you feel harm. Even the most together and confident lady can end up insecure and off-kilter when she discovers her husband is working his charm on the ladies when you’re not around. How would he like it if you were doing the same thing on the guys at work with the excuse that you don’t actually “do it” with any of them?

He may actually think that nothing will ever come of his flirting, but it’s a numbers game. One day, one lady is going to appeal to him in a big way. With you at home in a bad mood over his behaviour and perhaps accusing him of things he hasn’t yet done, he may think, “What the heck, I’m already getting blamed for being a cheat, why not do the deed?” Or he may say to himself, “What’s a little harmless kiss in a car with a woman?”

You need to get this guy into counselling now, for yourself, and for him to see how serious this problem has become in your marriage. If he won’t go, start going yourself. He’s not acting like a husband anymore — if he ever did — and you need to work this out or find a way to walk away before he utterly destroys your self-confidence and esteem. Without that, what do you have?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is an avid smoker — she loves it and makes no bones about loving it. She smokes cigarettes, cigars and now she also has a bong. I was like that when I met her smoking outside a nightclub. We thought we were very cool and would live forever. I had to quit because of a serious lung health scare. My doctor asked me about second-hand smoke and I told him about her. He told me she has to stop smoking around me in the house and in our car.

I told her that night and she went quiet. She said, “Your doctor wants you to make me stand outside our own house to have a smoke? Ha!” I said yes, I wanted her to do that for me to keep me alive and reminded her about the health of our kids.

Then she did what I didn’t expect. She started to cry and said she has tried to quit at least 10 times and can’t do it because she is so addicted.

— Smoker Hell, St. James

Dear Smoker Hell: Let me tell you a personal story. I was a smoker until I found out, at 38, I was pregnant. I had tried many times to quit and succeeded once for a few years, and then went slowly back to it after one cigarette at a party. With a helpless, much-wanted baby inside me, I was quitting for sure this time, not just getting people off my back for awhile.

I would like to tell you I quit cold turkey in one day, but I didn’t. I needed help. What I did was use every available method to stop, all at once. I chewed nicotine gum. I cut red licorice into the size of cigarettes and pretended to smoke them. I saw a shrink: “Why do I need to suck on these things?” I cried sometimes and I rocked myself back and forth, holding my stomach. But I kept picturing my unborn child saying “Thank you, mommy.” I was in it to win it. If I had only used one method, as before, I would have had some excuse to say to my smoking buddies.

You had a serious health scare, so get your wife to see a doctor, talk to a psychologist and have a conference with a pharmacist who can recommend various products such as gum or the patch. Buy her things to keep her mouth busy, such as red licorice or hard candies. Make war with her addiction.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 31. My boyfriend (eight years younger) gets a noticeable erection whenever he first sees me, which is embarrassing in public. He wears clothes to kind of disguise it, such as long jackets, but not at home, and I hate seeing it demanding attention all the time.

Don’t get me wrong — he isn’t a pushy man, just healthy. Too healthy for me, sometimes. Ironically, this is what attracted me to him after my disinterested husband announced he wasn’t all that into me sexually. Now it’s too much. My new guy, who is a sweetheart of a man, would like it twice daily and more on the weekends. What now?

— Tired of It, West End

Dear Tired of It: Part of the purpose of this young man in your life was to feel completely desired and womanly again. That has happened. Now it’s time to take a hard look at your relationship outside of sex. Is this relationship a keeper or just for now? He’s a sweet, randy young man. Maybe he needs a randy young lady who loves him dearly.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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