His gay past has her wondering if things will last

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This article was published 02/10/2017 (2945 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is a scary turn of events. The man I’ve been seeing for the summer decided to tell me all about his past life in Ontario, where he was in love with a gay man. My new boyfriend says he’s bisexual and this year he’s attracted to women, namely me. Oh great. What will he be in 2018? I just feel like the air came out of my balloon.

I can’t believe how many people I know about who have declared themselves bisexual in the last couple of years. Is the whole world bisexual except me? I don’t think I can live with this uncertainty. I don’t want to break if off with him, but should I before I really fall in love? I am starting to get emotionally involved and I think he may have been giving me a warning. He’s a great guy, but what am I — the flavour of the month? The big experiment?

— So Mixed Up, West End

Dear So Mixed Up: That conversation was an invitation to talk things over in all its uncomfortable detail. He finally took a chance and opened up. Had he told you right off the top, you probably wouldn’t have given him a chance. He’ll expect you to ask a lot of questions now and it won’t be easy for either of you. At the end, you may just want to be friends, or maybe more.

So be kind, but ask every single question that comes into your mind, especially what he hopes for in your relationship. He may not want to get married, settle down and have children, or that may be just what he’s hoping for.

If you just want a little romance and are all right if it’s not forever thing, it could be OK to proceed. But if you’re looking for something big and long-lasting, and you’re going to be upset and insecure from now on waiting for him to find a man he desires, it needs to be over for both of you. He may never want another man after you, but you don’t know that.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a very enthusiastic grandpa, but my wife says (in private) that she’s had enough of kids because we had five of them. When I suggest having the grandkids come to the farm for the weekend, she isn’t excited. I want the children to learn about farm life and they love the kittens and chickens. My wife particularly doesn’t want to cook all weekend for the kids and put them to bed. I’m semi-retired and last winter I took up cooking as a hobby. I love it! I asked her what the problem was and she said it makes her tired just to think about having a lot of wild little kids running around.

Now I feel a bit guilty about it because when I was farming I left everything in the house to her: the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, everything. I worked dawn to dusk because the animals needed tending and we never got to go on holidays like other people because of the number of kids and the farm.

I have more time these days and I want to make up what I missed with my own kids. I did help with the boys’ sports, but that’s about all I could handle back then. What do you think? How can I change my wife’s mind?

— Disappointed Grandpa, Manitoba

Dear Disappointed Grandpa: Grandma is digging in her heels, remembering her former lifestyle, so address those fears. Start by cooking and filling the freezer with ready-to-heat meals. And the kids don’t have to come alone to the farm, even if that’s your dream. Invite their parents, too, and you can all share in cooking and activities.

Start helping your wife with the housework right now. Let her get the new picture of you into focus. Then invite everyone over. Your wife doesn’t get to be the boss of you about everything now that you’re retired. Organize a bunch of activities with some little trips off the farm to other fun places in the country, so grandma can put up her feet for hours at a time. If she gets stubborn, tell her she’s welcome to go for a shopping trip to the U.S. with her friends, and you can handle it with your grandkids. Then do it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to respond to Smoker Hell, the guy who desperately needs to get his wife to become a non-smoker. As if his lung scare were not enough! You suggested he get her to try every quit-smoking trick at once.

Like you, I had tried quitting smoking numerous times without permanent success either because I was gaining weight or losing willpower. These battles with nicotine lasted anywhere from months to two or three years. Except for the last time.

I remember the events and day vividly, and thankfully quite often. I was working on finishing what was to be my final pack of smokes when I went outside the office to have a smoke on my break. I had two cigarettes left and a co-worker and friend asked to bum one from me. That was it.

There is a saying that goes “money is not a motivator”, but in my case it was. I discovered pretty early that I couldn’t continue to smoke a pack a day and still pay the mortgage, bills and other costs and still eat. At the time, a pack of cigarettes was $7. I think it costs around $15 today. So, I was thinking that maybe the couple could put their heads together and think about all the things they could do with all the money they would be saving if she quit smoking.

I realize how hard it is to quit and the $210 savings per month made my life a lot easier. In her case, it could be $450.

— Only A Puff Away From A Pack A Day, Manitoba

Dear Only A Puff Away From A Pack A Day: Nobody quits smoking because they don’t like the act of smoking. I quit smoking 30 years ago because I didn’t want to hurt the baby growing inside me. You quit smoking to save $200 a month.

So it has to be something outside that’s more important, such as saving your own life or somebody else’s, making it possible for your mate (and kids) to live without lung cancer from second-hand smoke or saving money for a dream. Thanks for your personal story and your tip.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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