Don’t let racism go unchallenged

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/10/2017 (3259 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Like you, Miss L., I grew up in a rural area and have spent most of my adult life in the city. I maintained contact with some country friends, but didn’t see them often. Now that I’m retired, I have the opportunity to spend more time with these people, but I was surprised to find they are still using racist and homophobic language, terms and jokes common 30 or 40 years ago. When I objected and told them that this language was not acceptable anymore, they were astounded and said things “they are still Pak**s to me.”

How do I deal with this? Something similar has happened on two different occasions, with different friends. I don’t want to drop my old friends, but I don’t want to encourage open racism. I know my country friends are conservative people, but I thought Manitoba had become more enlightened.

— Former Farm Boy, Manitoba

Dear Former Farm Boy: If you let racist language go, they have won. This may be the first time they’ve had anyone tell them racist language is not acceptable, so you have to tell them why. There are so many reasons, beyond offending you. Primarily, racism promotes hate in an already-troubled and restless world, but of course there’s more to say than that.

Many of them will have backgrounds from other countries and their forefathers were called ugly racist names when they came here as immigrants. Some people even changed their names to avoid being targets of prejudice. Bring up those ugly names, particularly the ones their parents and grandparents would have suffered from, and have a real conversation. Do it in a serious voice, but not overly emotional, so you can get your points across. You may lose a few friends out of this — and gain a few. You don’t need the ones you lose anyway and word will get around town you don’t put up with racism in silence. That’s a good thing for people to know.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A shocking photograph has surfaced with my mother in a wedding gown with a man who is different from my father. They were obviously bride and groom, and very young. This marriage was never mentioned in our family. My mother recently died and my father departed this world several years back. They had six children together — or maybe it was five, I’m thinking now. My oldest sister always looked different from the rest of us — much lighter colouring. Our parents were both dark-eyed with dark hair and light brown skin. My sister and I found the photo in a little box hidden away under a loose floorboard when we cleaned out my mom’s house. The groom with Mom is blond with blond eyebrows.

My grandparents from Saskatchewan are long gone, so they can’t tell me anything. One ancient old aunt remains alive, but she’s lived in north Saskatchewan all her life. I hear she’s kind of losing it, like losing her memory. Should we make a quick trip to see her? I don’t want to ask my older sister about it yet.

— Curiosity is Killing Me, West Kildonan

Dear Curiosity is Killing Me: Yes, of course you should go. Maybe, as you suspect, this first groom was your sister’s biological father in the photo. But get moving on it fast! Early memory is often wiped out last and this remaining aunt may have an unclouded truth from that time she would like to tell, especially now your mom is gone.

Take the photo with you and go see your aunt and then your older sister second. She will probably want to keep the picture. Also, you might hire an ancestry tracer ASAP and try to find out through records who married whom and when and where before you go. Maybe this older sis actually knows the truth of her biological father already and can save you the money. Or maybe she was so young when the second marriage happened that she has no memory of her father and it was never mentioned to her in the hope she wouldn’t feel different from the other kids. That photograph may just solve a mystery for her. On the other hand, your mother may have shown it to her long ago, and told her the whole story of the first marriage — although the photo was so well hidden, it seems doubtful.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6.