Sheeran’s on her A Team; boyfriend’s on the B Team

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 17/01/2018 (2821 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend is in love with Ed Sheeran and has pictures of him all over her bedroom and now she always wants me to be on top, so she can see the ceiling where she has some posters. I know it! She plays his song Perfect all the time. She lives in the basement of her parents’ fancy house.

When I complain about her infatuation with him, she says it’s just a crush and she will never meet him. I have crushes on certain stars, including porn stars, too, but I’m not rude enough to put up pictures in my apartment. Do you think it’s time I did that to show her I have fantasies too?

— Sick of Sharing with Sheeran, Osborne Village

Dear Sick of Sharing with Sheeran: It’s rude to the extreme for your lady to be having sex with you while ogling Ed Sheeran’s face and playing his music. That’s what she could be doing when she’s not with you, just as you can ogle your porn star faves in private and nobody gets hurt.

This girlfriend is not just immature, she doesn’t care if she loses you. So let her find out what that’s like. You shouldn’t be putting up with this nastiness and this girlfriend needs dumping fast. You can’t educate that level of rudeness out of a person. Tell her it’s time to get out of your life and grow up on someone else’s time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve started seeing a guy I met online who is not my physical type. We are pretty good friends and we have a lot of fun together. It’s just that I don’t want to kiss him or touch him! He just doesn’t turn me on. I’m short and I prefer shorter men to tall gangly guys, which he is. Our bodies just don’t line up. If we laid down together, my head would be at his nipples. I am very short, but he’s still attracted to me. I feel like a hobbit beside him. Should I tell him we should be just friends? But then how do I tell him why? I have no words.

— Lady Hobbit, West End

Dear Lady Hobbit: Tell him the truth. Say something like, “I think you’re a nice guy, but the height difference makes me feel uncomfortable. I’m so short I feel like a hobbit beside you. Either we can just be friends or part before there’s any more emotional involvement.” He’s already involved in that way, so you may have to be blunter and tell him that you don’t feel the same physical attraction because you feel uncomfortable about your size differences. He will probably just end things as it hurts to get rejected sexually.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a girlfriend in high school who meant everything in the world to me. I would have married her but we were only 17, and she said she wanted to experience life before getting married to anybody. We split up and I was broken hearted. Well, she has experienced life now: she has two university degrees, went through a bunch of boyfriends, and lived with a guy she eventually kicked out. I gave up on her long ago, and got married. It’s an OK marriage, but nothing like I would have had with my first love.

But now she’s back! She has started chasing me. She comes to my work to get me to go for lunch. She kisses me goodbye in the car, and I am defenceless. I dream about her every night and fantasize about her every day.

She is campaigning to get me away from my wife, but I love my wife too. We don’t have kids yet becasue she wants to wait until she’s in her mid-30s. Since I’m already cheating on her to the point of necking and petting with this old girlfriend, what do you think I should do? I love my old girlfriend like crazy.

— Back to High School, Tyndall Park

Dear Back to High School: Your wife has always been second best to you. The only thing is she doesn’t know is you’re secretly seeing your old sweetheart, so she’s living in a false happily married reality. Your reality over the years was that you came second to this first woman and her life dreams.

Now your ex has come back to try to take you away from your wife, who is the innocent one in all this. For your ex, it’s all about what she wants! You need to see a relationship counsellor or psychologist alone, and talk all this out before you make any moves with regards to either woman. The ex-girlfriend was never as enamoured of you as you were of her. You should know that. She wants you now because you’re forbidden fruit and quite the challenge.

At least you won’t be hurting children if you leave your wife. Unless you got married to your wife very young while your ex was still into her experimenting phase, it’s strange that your ex-girlfriend didn’t come looking for you much earlier. Think about that, and ask your ex the tough questions.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6