Wife won’t reveal whose clothes she came home in

Opinion

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This article was published 16/01/2018 (2822 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife showed up at home with the wrong clothes on. I noticed as soon as she walked in the door. They weren’t new clothes; they were somebody else’s jeans and T-shirt, and they must have belonged to a guy. They looked like the clothes of another grown man and the T-shirt was more masculine than anything she would wear.

I asked her whose clothes she was wearing and she immediately looked guilty and ran upstairs. I went up a bit later and asked if she was ready to talk and she said no. I went to the bar. She is still hardly talking to me. I love her and I’m scared stiff one day I’ll come home and she’ll just be packed and gone.— Don’t Want To Beg, St. Boniface

Dear Don’t Want to Beg: Ask her to talk, but don’t get down on your knees. If she won’t, then play guess and she will probably deny the guesses that are patently wrong. If she still refuses, ask her outright if she’s having an affair. This silence can’t go on, as it will drive you both nuts. You can also make an emergency appointment with a relationship counsellor or a psychologist who deals with couples, and ask her to come. If she won’t, go anyway yourself and get some coaching on how to handle this.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw a fat man in a red jacket with a beard waddling over the hill. I laughed to myself. It looked like Santa Claus. I thought I would pass him right near the sidewalk of my mother’s house, but he turned in at my mom’s. I stood back behind the bushes and watched while my mother held his face with two hands, kissed him on the lips and pulled him in the door.

I was shocked beyond belief. My mother recently became a widow. My dad only died 10 months ago, and he was sick for two years before that. It doesn’t seem right. That wasn’t a just kiss between friends — it was right on the mouth and too long. I walked away crying.

I was angry, too. I took an instant disliking to this fat little man. I wanted to go back and throw him out. The thing is, before my father got sick, he was a strong, healthy man who could pick my mom up and dance her around the kitchen. This little creep probably comes over to get her baking. She used to bake six cookies for my dad every day, and he would eat them all by bed time.

How soon she forgot her husband, and for that little creep!

— Sad and Bitter Daughter, East Kildonan

Dear Sad and Bitter Daughter: You don’t have to be smiley and welcoming to this new friend of your mother’s right now, and your mom doesn’t expect it, or she would have introduced you. Obviously your mother doesn’t feel it is time to tell you about this man, and she is right. You can tell her you know, you find it upsetting, and you’ll talk about it more when your own grieving is not so deep and hurtful.

Your mom started to lose your dad almost three years ago as the regular healthy love companion he was in their marriage. Some people grieve hard through a mate’s first year of serious illness, and then they just go into caretaking mode. Then they grieve again for another time before and after the death. But, if it’s been an agonizing awful end, they’re actually relieved to see their loved one released from pain.

By that point, they may have lived a long time without much affection. Suddenly, there’s a whole lot of free time open where they used to visit the hospital. Out of that new loneliness and quietness at home comes a strong need for friendship, affection and connection with a human being, other than family. Some people actually jump into new relationships pretty quickly, certainly less than a year after the death, and that may be what your mom did.

Start inviting her out to do things in the entertainment, arts or sports world, and in small groups where the talk doesn’t have to be about missing your dad the whole time. Even join a class with her, such as swimming or a language class. You need each other, but not in constant faceoffs over the death.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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