Give unemployed boyfriend an ultimatum

Opinion

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This article was published 19/01/2018 (2819 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My good-for-nothing boyfriend is sitting downstairs playing video games and/or watching porn.

He should be looking for another job. I have secretly brought in flattened boxes and tape to pack his stuff up and send him back to his mother’s house. This is my first place, and I love it.

I got it because I can afford it on my own.

Now, I’m paying for his extra Hydro for his games and porn, his food and his spending money — on top of all the rent!

He’s treating me like a nagging mom now, and the romance seems to be gone.

He used to be everything to me, then he got into smoking pot so much he couldn’t perform at work, or even in bed.

He got fired and he sleeps on the couch near his porn.

I am haunted by memories of when things were so good, I invited him to move in. I know you can’t change a person into something they’ve never been, but can you change a person back to what they once were? 

— Sad Nag, Downtown

 

Dear Sad Nag: After nagging, pleading and pushing have come to nothing, decisive action is the only thing that might shock a partner like this.

So have one last talk and tell him if he can’t make the changes you need him to make by the end of the month, he can go back to living with his mother.

Don’t beg. Don’t yell. Just state the facts. You want the man he used to be back, or he can go live with his pot-smoking pals or his family.

Do nothing beyond that except warn his mom. Stop trying to help him.

Take your old lifestyle back again with enthusiasm and do nothing more with him, unless he gets a job, kicks his addictions and changes back.

That’s likely to take a year or so, and you don’t want to be waiting around.

His emotional pain may be so sharp when you kick him out that he does get a job and shape up the rest of his life, but it’s highly unlikely.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have an emotional husband who is quite often angry, but never at me.

He gives all his love and adoration to me, but vents his anger at “political idiots,” neighbours, bad drivers and sports teams.

I feel anxious because he has so much anger to vent every day. I’m his angel and I’m weary of that role.

He couldn’t treat me nicer except he is surrounded by a burning ring of anger.

It is getting harder and harder for me to see the point of being idolized and hearing the rest of the world denigrated. Can you help?

— Angel in Warrior’s World, East Kildonan

 

Dear Angel in Warrior’s World: While he doesn’t ever hurt you, he’s a prime candidate for anger-management counselling. Can you, as his angel, get him to see that he needs to go for help because it’s hard on him and may push you away in time?

You’ll have to explain to him that anger can actually kill people due to continual stress and high blood pressure.

A psychologist could be helpful and may be paid partly or completely by his workplace.

Tell him it’s hard on your emotional health to be surrounded by so much anger.

He doesn’t want to hurt you, so he may be willing to go see one, just to hold onto you. If his work pays for counselling, they may have people to suggest.

If he wants it completely private, he can go privately and pay the bill.

A physician could refer him to a psychiatrist on medicare, but the waiting list can be long to see one.

A physician or a psychiatrist can prescribe medication, while a psychologist cannot and your man may need some. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6