Obsession with size can’t be deflected with ambiguous lines

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/04/2018 (2725 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I laughed about the letter from Lying Through My Teeth, the woman who doesn’t know what to say to her less-endowed man. He wants to hear he’s big during lovemaking. You asked the writer, “If you could express your love for his passionate performance and creative moves, could he be satisfied with that?”

To me, the solution is old as the hills. Just say: “It’s not the size of the stick that counts; it’s how you stir me with it.”

— J.F., Manitoba

Dear J.F.: Because that evasive remark is an old one, he’s probably heard it before. He didn’t want ambiguity, it’s clear he wants to hear he’s big. He does not want to be thought of as a little stir stick. Check out the next letter.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Hey, lighten up, lovers! My husband and I have been telling big lies about size all our lives together. I just insist the lights are off, so we can both live in a world of fantasy. My husband and I tell each other ridiculous things in the dark. He recently told me my breasts were as big as the Rocky Mountains and I almost lost it laughing, but it still turned me on. You don’t have to be accurate and truthful about body parts in bed. Just have fun!

— Happy Liar, East Kildonan

Dear Happy Liar: Sounds like you are both healthy, humorous people and this is great entertainment for you. For serious people who prefer accuracy and honesty, this might not work. But sexy talk about how things feel during foreplay can be accurate and a turn-on as sexual feeling is building. Expressions of emotion are also exciting, especially close to climax.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is about the young man called Feeling Like a Jerk (who got visibly turned on by his girlfriend’s mother). Shame on you, Miss Lonelyhearts! He stated in his letter that the mom did not flirt, was friendly and offered him some homemade baking. Because she was dressed in tights and was done up, you laid the blame on her for wanting young men to drool over her.

I am also the mom of a daughter and a son. I have always kept up my appearance and wear tights with longer shirts all the time. Yes, I also give my children’s friends homemade goodies if they are over, but I do it because that is my nature. I do not want any of these young people to think that I’m in any way trying to get their romantic attention. I do it so that my kids’ friends feel welcome in my home. Your response was akin to blaming a rape victim for wearing provocative clothing.

— No Ulterior Motive Mom, Winnipeg

 

Dear No Ulterior Motive Mom: Most mothers are not showing off, but this mom was hot-looking enough that the new boyfriend of her daughter left with visible evidence of being turned on. In fact, it was so obvious, the daughter asked outright if the guy was turned on by her mother. (Sounds like it wasn’t the first time.)

In this unfair life, there are a number of young moms who are better looking than their teenage daughters. Their skin is clear, they work out and they know how to dress well, even casually.

The letter from this guy told me this mother was looking great and being sweet, plus she had baked some goodies to present (which was not really necessary, he wasn’t there to pick her up). True, she didn’t put any noticeable moves on the guy, but she was front and centre when he arrived and looked to him like a yummy mummy.

If a daughter is still a bit awkward and her act unpolished, a sensitive good-looking young mom would make sure she said a casual, “Hello, have a nice time. See you at midnight!” and let her daughter lead the welcome reception at the door.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6