Wants to be Mr. Big, but he’s really a medium

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/04/2018 (2729 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend wants me to tell him what a big penis he has. He says it makes him feel really hot and confident during sex. The thing is, I have excellent vision and I’m not a liar. He has a small to medium-sized penis on a good night, but an extra big heart and I love him totally.

The corners of my mouth start to twitch when he wants this kind of verbal affirmation, and I giggled the other night, which wasn’t nice.

He never tells me my small breasts are big and I wouldn’t want him to. To me, that would be laughable. He does say they’re the perfect size for his hands, and that’s true. Speaking of perfect size, the vagina is expandable, so his penis is the perfect size for me, but he doesn’t buy that.

I could say honestly he has a friendly penis or a creative penis, but I can’t say it’s big one more time without laughing! I have to kill the lights so he doesn’t see the amusement on my face when he wants the big-man talk. So what should I do?

— Lying Through My Teeth, Downtown

Dear Lying Through My Teeth: Creative? Friendly? Those aren’t very sexy compliments. Well, there was a famous character on TV called the Friendly Giant but I guess you couldn’t manage that name without laughing either.

If you could express your love for his passionate performance and creative moves, could he be satisfied with that? It’s hard to tell an outright lie about a body part size. Maybe my readers have some ideas for you. They can certainly write to me, care of the address below, and I can pass them on through this column.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The situation described by Messed Up was all too familiar to me. (That was when the writer’s mother harassed him on the phone umpteen times while he attended his girlfriend’s family’s Easter dinner.)

My problem was my mother-in-law, who was a community-minded churchgoing woman. She constantly made decisions for my husband and me, always in her own favour or for her son. If I ever did comment, she made my husband choose between her and me.

My husband was/is financially irresponsible and it is I who ensures bills are paid, even the large credit card debts he accrues. He treats me with the same disrespect/disregard that his mother modelled, and he never bothered to be a doting father. (Incidentally, my husband hasn’t shared her estate with me in any way.)

It’s highly unlikely anything will change for Messed Up. The writer’s mom is the root of the problem. I recommend personal financial planning for his fiancée to ensure she has assets secured when the marriage doesn’t work out. If she doesn’t leave, she will regret it. I have.

— Am Still There But Leaving Soon, Manitoba

Dear Am Still There But Leaving Soon: Thanks for writing in with this experience of yours. It sounds like a divorce for three is coming up: you from your husband and your mother-in-law. Wait until your husband is back in his mom’s 100 per cent smothering “care” again.

Don’t be surprised if he makes wild promises of change and tries to get back in with you, his shield from his mother.

Good luck to you, if you finally get up the strength to do what you threaten to do.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.