Give father of your child a chance at Christmas

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This article was published 12/12/2019 (2489 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I loved a boy from the next town and got pregnant at 16. He was about to enter university, but said he’d instead marry me and support the baby and me. I said no way.

He wouldn’t listen, so I lied and told him I didn’t love him and to go away for good, in a very rough way. I didn’t want him to quit school and wreck his life.

His parents are well-to-do, and I got a support cheque every month signed by him, which must have come from them. I warned him to keep his parents away from me and my baby.

As I hoped, he went to university in another province and left me alone. My parents and I have raised the baby. He and I are both in our early 30s now, and he has not married, nor have I. He is working in his profession in Ontario.

My child is a wilful teenager. Little did I know, she’d been saving up her money to travel to see him. It’s no secret where he lives and works, so she found his number and phoned his work. They have had a secret telephone relationship for months, I just found out.

Now, her father is coming to see her this Christmas, without my permission. My daughter has informed me she will be seeing him whether I like it or not. She said she’s having Christmas dinner with him and his family in the afternoon after our usual morning Christmas is over. And get this: he asked (through her) if I might like to come over to his parents’ house, too, for Christmas dinner.

I said, “Tell him no!” My daughter yelled: “You’re making me love you less, Mom! You’ll be a martyr forever… but I will never be like you.” Then she threatened to go live in her dad’s city for university.

This is all turning out so badly. I tried to do what was easier for everybody, and now they have turned on me! I don’t know what to do. Please help.

— Single Mom in Pain, S. Manitoba

Dear Single Mom: You were very young and probably thought you were wiping the slate clean when you sent your boyfriend off, but you only factored in your own emotions. The teenage dad — young as he was — was robbed of his child for all these years.

Your daughter is half his, but you don’t see that. Kids need their dads, and he sounds like a good, responsible man. He’s even generous enough to offer to share Christmas dinner with her and your unforgiving, critical eyes.

Who can blame your daughter for standing up to you? One also has to wonder why this man is still single and inviting you to join a dinner that’d be an easier experience without you.

Maybe he still cares about you. Did you think of that? Maybe you should swallow that stubbornness and see what happens when he comes to the door.

Don’t shut yourself in another room in the house and continue being the selfish martyr — who could lose her daughter by continuing to be so spiteful.

Come out, say hello and see what happens. Maybe you can be friends, now that you’re grown up and share a daughter. Her dad has missed out on so much, and you have had it all.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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