Photo scare should be wake-up call

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/01/2020 (2405 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I went away for sales work as usual, this time for 10-12 days, but came back a night early, because I missed my young wife. She wasn’t home, so I jumped into bed thinking she must be out, and I’d surprise her. I like lots of pillows, so I grabbed one of hers. But something fell out of the pillow case and slid down the sheet. It was a picture of her ex-boyfriend.

When she came in very late that night, I was wildly upset and just handed her the photo. She had nothing to say — NOTHING! Why? Because it looks like she still longs for the guy who cheated on her three years ago and dumped her. I am the honourable guy who came along and mended her broken heart and took her down the aisle and married her.

Why is she still mooning after that jerk? I’ve been nothing but good to her. I admit I am away a lot for work across North America, but I never cheat on her or carry pictures of my ex in my wallet!

I love her very much! I’m sick to my stomach. What does this mean? She says she can’t even explain it to me… but she “still loves me.” I said, “On a scale of one to 10, where do you rate me, and where do you put HIM?” She said “I love you, but you’re away so much and I’m so terribly lonely.”

I was mad! I said I could cut back on my travelling, but then we wouldn’t have enough money for her to go to university full time. She didn’t like that!

I just don’t know what to think. It’s one thing to be lonely, but it’s another thing to be sleeping with another man’s picture! Please help me.

— Heart Starting To Break, Winnipeg suburbs

Dear Starting: You need to act fast. Be glad you found that photo, rather than a letter saying she was dying of loneliness in her marriage with you and was leaving. You need to rethink your lifestyle and your career, now you’re married.

You can’t carry on like a single man. You don’t have her locked down with the ring and wedding ceremony, you know. You have to continue being a loving husband, and that requires being there more.

Telling her she has to accept the status quo, or not go to university full time is a threat. You’re not in a position to make threats or warnings. In her mind, you have already partially left her as a husband. Besides, she can move out, and get loans and a part-time job, which might be more social and fun than her life as it is now.

Can you not make business appointments closer together, change sales dinners to sales lunches and get home every weekend at least? Now is your chance to make significant change and honour your vows. A marriage commitment requires that you be actually be there for your mate a reasonable amount of time as an active husband, friend and sexual partner.

Your wife is losing the feeling of having support and intimacy and sex with you. She doesn’t necessarily care for this old ex more than you, but she remembers the comfort of his being near and available to her, and they may be talking on the phone when she’s lonely.

Act immediately to rekindle your relationship, before it’s gone and this guy is more than a photo.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out my ex-boyfriend is single again — his wife died two years ago. I heard this from an old friend at New Year’s. I am divorced. The only reason he and I didn’t get married is we were too darn young when we were in love in high school.

Should I get in touch with him? I see he’s on Facebook now. Yes, I peeked. How should I do it? I’ll sound weird if I say I’m sorry to hear his wife died, and he might have someone else by now anyway.

How does an old girlfriend from high school start off chatting with an ex-boyfriend from “the old days?”

— Interested Big Time, Winnipeg outskirts

Dear Interested: Move slowly. Just start off by asking to be one of his Facebook friends. Don’t go much further than that until you both get a chance to look at each other’s information, photo presence, friends. You may actually know some of the same people these days,

Make sure you have a nice, happy updated photo of yourself without your ex, children or grandchildren at the top of the page. A dinner party photo of 10 couples, including your ex, tells him nothing he wants to know.

Show photos of other people with you down the page, and the things you enjoy — sports, travelling, pets. A few weeks later, private message him on Facebook with a few sentences, and end by asking him what he’s up to for fun and work these days.

If he writes back and there’s a second exchange, give him your phone number, but don’t ask for his. He can offer it, if he wants to, or just call you. If there are no responses to any of this, give up on him. He’s not a rabbit to be chased down a hole.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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