Use surprise find to rebuild relationship

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/06/2020 (2248 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Because we were stuck in the house so much owing to COVID-19, I embarked on a big project to clean the entire basement. My husband’s stuff was the last big mess and I asked him to deal with it, but he dragged his feet. I finally started in this weekend when he was away at the lake with my son.

I found a suitcase inside a suitcase with a box hidden in it, way in the back of the closet. Out of curiosity I opened it — and I was sick! It contained love letters, dating from before we were married, from a girl we both know well — my sister.

She was too sick with “the flu” to come to my wedding and left Canada a few weeks later to travel. Many months later, she met and married a guy in another country, and has rarely been back. She doesn’t write (maybe a card at Christmas) and when she comes back, I see her briefly at our mother’s Christmas lunch, but not otherwise. She stays at my brother’s house.

I never understood what came between us. I thought it couldn’t just be wanderlust that took her away forever! Now I finally know why. It seems she fell in love with my boyfriend/fiancé when she first laid eyes on him.

Her secret love letters (just two of them) were pathetic, passionate and tragic, and it was clear she idolized him to the point of wanting to betray me — but he didn’t seem to want her. She built him up to the sky in her letters; I guess that’s why he kept them.

I don’t know what to do with this shocking bit of knowledge. Should I approach my husband with the fact I read his private mail and kept reading it because it was from my sister who mysteriously moved away and never came back? It may not be his fault, but I feel so angry and so helpless. I lost a sister over him, though it isn’t really his fault. Please help.

— Stunned By This Revelation, Winnipeg

Dear Stunned: First, you certainly don’t need to be jealous; the letters obviously didn’t mean much to your husband. It was definitely one-sided and a long time ago. Maybe your husband was afraid to say anything to you, but kept the letter because they praised him to the sky. He may have forgotten all about them.

But he had to have noticed the total rift between you and your sister, and he could have said something at some point about the possible reason for it.

She may have idolized him as an older guy she could never have, but her big sister got to walk down the aisle with him, marry him and have a family. No wonder she was too sick to go to the wedding. Rather than “the flu,” she was sick at heart — mortified at the thought of watching you say your vows.

You must talk to your husband and admit you found the letters when you were cleaning. Tell him you always wondered why your sister disappeared from your life right about the time you got married — and has never been friendly since.

You might be surprised when you hear his side of the story. She may have thrown herself at him or shyly loved him from a distance until she sent the letters!

Try to find out from your mom if your sister is happy in her own marriage. Then write your sis a letter and tell her you finally know the reason for her distance, and how it came out. Tell her how sorry you feel you missed all those years of friendship.

Also, tell her a little about your life and ask her about her life, work, interests and her husband and kids. Try to establish a connection with her and, if that goes well, why not keep writing and someday in the next few years go and visit?

Maybe go with your mom to travel around a bit, not expecting to stay in her home unless invited.

Leave your hubby — the source of your long estrangement — at home, and let him clean the rest of the basement!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into a gorgeous guy I’d like to get to know on an outdoor patio last weekend and we talked from a “respectable” six-foot difference for 30 minutes, and then he told me to “get in touch” with him online.

I thought that was kind of high-handed, so I told him to get in touch with me instead! He raised one eyebrow, and I haven’t heard from him.

If I were to drop him a line on his Facebook, where I have been secretly lurking, would he think he won and that he can control me this way?

— Just Considering It, Corydon Patios

Dear Just Considering: You’re both a little too worried about being in control to be a good match! When he invited you to contact him, he may have been thinking that rather than harass you, he’d invite you to decide if and when you saw him. When you quickly smacked the ball back into his court, he may have felt some annoyance, like you seemed to think he’d presumed too much. Hence, the eyebrow lift!

Look, this isn’t a game of tennis. Both of you need to relax, or try to date more easygoing people than you are.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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