One person’s ‘friendly’ is another’s ‘frightening’

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This article was published 14/06/2020 (2246 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I agree, if dog ownership is an important thing for someone, they should have relationships with like-minded people, but please respect that not everyone is a fan of dogs and there are often good reasons. It doesn’t make them poor parents or less of a person.

(This is a response to “Blowing This Out of Proportion?” The letter writer’s girlfriend was “nasty” when the neighbour’s dog came up to her. He wants dogs with a partner one day, so I suggested he look elsewhere. — Miss L.)

Without knowing some key details about the girlfriend, it seems you are both assuming the girlfriend simply has “a hate on” for dogs.

It’d be important to remember we all have life experiences that shape us and often inform our reactions. I was terrorized twice as a young child by a “friendly” neighbourhood dog and a relative’s pet dog. I was not interacting with either, when one chased and pushed me down, the other sat down beside me, and when I turned to look at it the dog bit me in the face. So, I am not a dog person.

I’ve been able to be around some friends’ dogs where the intros were gentle and paced, but overall I am still not a dog person. I have trouble in parks that are full of dog lovers who ignore bylaws and let dogs off-leash, and my new neighbours let their dog loose in the unenclosed front street because their dog is “friendly.”

Dogs are unpredictable and those of us who have been traumatized can actually have PTSD reactions in some of those situations. If a dog comes running up to me and jumps, I don’t react well — the trauma is relived for me, 45 years later.

— Please Get the Facts Before Judging, Winnipeg

Dear Judging: There was nothing in the letter about this fellow’s girlfriend being traumatized by dogs. That would have been a big factor if it existed, but was not part of their story. It’s understandable this brought memories back for you.

One thing we agree on is that couples need to be positive and like-minded about dogs if they are to have them in their lives together.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with a heavy man and I like him that way. I come from a skinny family and skinny is not attractive to me. I’m tall and bony and cuddling next to my big man is like having a warm cuddly, bear in the bed. My husband has kept me warm many a cool spring or fall night when we are out doing what we love best — camping.

That brings me to what happened recently. We were camping in the wild and walking around, and we came upon another couple walking by the lake. I felt the woman give me a funny hello, and when they were just past us I heard her laugh say, “She better watch out. She could get squashed! Hahaha.” It was so crude and hurtful, I couldn’t miss the crushed look on my husband’s face.

He has been plagued by people who can’t stand what he calls his “fatness.” When people hurt him, they hurt me, and I wanted to go and tell this woman off, or pop her one in the face. He said, “Never mind. I’m OK. I’m used to it.” But he wasn’t. Nobody gets used to the to that kind of abuse! What could I have done? Did we have to take it in silence?

— Ready to Explode, St. Vital

Dear Ready: I suspect that woman knew she could be heard, and didn’t care. She was happily fat-shaming — clearly a bullying activity. Note it was a hit-and-run, with the mean words said just after she passed. Plus, she had an accomplice to give her nerve. What could you do that wouldn’t blow up into something uglier? If any readers know of a good comeback phrase or reaction, please share it.

Here’s an excellent response to fat-shaming you and your man should watch. It’s comedian James Corden responding to Bill Maher’s fat-shaming take at http://wfp.to/corden. Corden — an overweight man most of his life — gives a smart and moving response.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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