Leaving home at 18 calls for an action plan

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This article was published 17/06/2020 (2251 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend’s mother despises me and says horrible things about me to her daughter. Why? She’s super-religious, and she thinks I have “defiled” her daughter.

Actually, we haven’t had sex yet, but we might as well have, with the way she speaks to her daughter about me. She is crude and rude! No wonder her husband barely opens his mouth. He just does what she says, and he doesn’t stop her when she abuses her daughter.

My girlfriend and I are both 18 and out of high school, working part-time jobs. She wants to move out of the house ASAP, and she’s looking at me for an invitation to live together. Miss L., I need to stay at home for a few more years to finish my university education!

She needs to work right away if she moves out, because her mother will throw her suitcase after her and call her an ungrateful tramp — and write her off. That’s what her mother already did to her older brother, so I’m sure of this.

The thing is, my girlfriend and I are too young to be sure enough of our feelings to live together, or get married. My parents certainly wouldn’t want a girlfriend to move in at home and sleep with me, as there are younger kids still in the house.

What can I do? What can she do? Help, please.— Caring Boyfriend, Crescentwood  

Dear Caring: Your girlfriend, who is having the rougher time, might want to move out and share a place with a girlfriend or two and work for the first year. The next year, schooling could work with student loans and part-time work if she wanted to go to college or university, or start some other kind of training.

Some young people split a one-bedroom up by using the living room as a second bedroom at night. The person who goes to bed earliest gets the bedroom, and the one who gets the living room has a single bed there with pillows on it so it can act as a couch in the daytime.

When I was 19, I lived in a one-bedroom basement apartment for a summer with two other university students I met in university residence. One of us had to sleep on a single bed in the walk-in pantry! It was still fun and we had boyfriends — and no parents to answer to. Plus we split the rent for this one-bedroom three ways, so it was easily affordable.

You might want to move out yourself this year or next and consider having several roommates and a part-time job — and some freedom. Once you leave, your parents might say “Whew — an extra bedroom!” and kick in a few hundred a month while you’re going to school.

You should start looking right now into other sources of educational money, including student loans, and make a financial plan ahead of time for your education. You should also figure out where you’re going to live over those years — especially since your folks have other kids growing up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new partner and I are in our mid-50s and his ex-wife — who has a perfectly good job in upper management — is trying to soak him for more money, ostensibly for their spoiled “kids” who are in their 30s and wanting to buy houses.

She says she’s only contributing “her $10,000” to the new houses, if he will pony up “his $10,000.” He said no, and now she is at him by phone at his office hourly every day, and into the night for weeks on his cell.

Her final harassing call to his place last night was at 3 a.m. I wanted to go and punch her lights out, but I’m tiny and she’s a big woman. What should I do?— So Angry! Westwood

Dear Angry: Do absolutely nothing! This is your new man’s act to play out on the stage of his messy life.

You need to step back and see how he manages it. Let him operate in his own way, and see who he really is.

If you see he’s still under his ex-wife’s thumb, you might want to reconsider being with him in a relationship of any kind. Otherwise, you’ll be part of a triangle with that powerful ex-wife, and it’ll be continually upsetting for you.

Of course, she’s only powerful if your man-friend lets her be. He has said no, but she probably knows she can harass him until he breaks down. See if he stands up this time.

Listen, he could have his old divorce lawyer deal with her via a stiffly worded letter. Also, he could cut off her phone calls to him at work by asking for assistance with it there.

As for the home harassment, he could block her, but he may have to get more technical help if she’s tricky and switches numbers to get through.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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