Sharing stories of old-flames burned you both

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This article was published 09/10/2020 (2138 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend decided we should talk about old flames “so we have no secrets between us.” Although I’m a believer in keeping my secrets quiet, I was too curious. I wanted to hear what he had to say. After I fed him a few drinks, he really got going, and it wasn’t always a pretty story that came out.

I had a hunch about something I thought he left out, and gave him a little test. I said, “Aren’t you going to tell me about my ex-friend with the long, black hair?” He blushed to his core. He spluttered that he had one date with her, just before he started going out with me, but said nothing happened.

That’s not the truth! I’d already heard the dirty details about that night with her. She phoned the next day. She knew I kind of liked him and she was competitive with me. She then told me he was lousy in bed. We had a fight, and I drifted away from her as a friend.

So, why did I still go after him if she said he was no good in bed? He was cute and sweet — and I knew her. She had no patience. I knew I could teach him, like I taught my boyfriend before.

Then it was my turn to confess all to him, but I was so turned off by hearing his confessions, I made up a few little things to tell him and that was it. He said he felt embarrassed because he confessed and I didn’t, in the end.

The worst thing is I don’t feel so excited about him now. In fact, I feel faintly ill thinking about all that stuff he’s done. It makes him way less attractive to me. For instance, he said he was way crazier about his first girlfriend than he ever was about anyone who followed — and he didn’t say I was an exception. I think I’m moving on.

Question: Do you think couples should exchange the details of their pasts?

— Too Much Information, University of Winnipeg 

Dear Too Much: Tell-all talks about former partners generally happen between platonic friends, and for good reason. They can generate green-eyed monsters, or just be a big turn-off. What was the point of your boyfriend spilling all those details when it wasn’t a clean-slate confession in the end, anyway? He left out the girl that had something to do with you until you confronted him — and then it got really awkward and embarrassing. This didn’t work out well for either of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I stopped by my mom’s new place with takeout food for a surprise dinner with her, and she took a long time to open the door. There was someone in the house — a woman she’s been friends with for a long time. Mom’s friend was hustling around in the background getting her stuff ready to leave, I guess because I came over unexpected.

I noticed when she brushed by me to get out the door, her pullover sweater was on backwards. I guess she was in a hurry. My mom was still in her robe at 3 p.m.

I’d always suspected those two, and wonder if that was the reason for my parents’ breakup. Do you think I should just take that incident as proof and shut my mouth?

— Suspicious Son, Osborne Village

Dear Suspicious: If you decide you don’t want to know, you must call every time before you go over there. You might as well talk to your mom about it, so it doesn’t come between you. It seems you’re not disapproving of same-sex relationships and have wondered about it for some time now.

Now is the time to talk, but don’t start with your theory about this relationship splitting up your parents’ marriage. It will come out in the discussion naturally if your mom feels she can finally talk about things now.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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