‘Wild thing’ with online girlfriend may just have to wait

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/11/2020 (1798 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new online girlfriend is in a hurry to meet in person and, as she so frankly puts it, “get it on.” I am dragging my feet. (I should tell you I am also a woman.)

I find her very attractive, and part of that attraction is her wild nature. That would have been really great a year ago — and I would have been all over the opportunity to get it on with her right away, but now I’m afraid of getting sick.

Am I being a big baby, as she hinted last night? She said I was “distrusting” her. I guess I am. But what else can you do these days? — Probably Lost My Chance, Fort Garry

Dear Probably: Perhaps this lady was a little miffed at not being trusted, but trusting someone brand new to kiss and touch, and swap bodily fluids with is not a bright move right now. There just isn’t any vaccination to protect either of you against the coronavirus.

For now, just live on phone chats, fantasizing and perhaps phone sex — and stay safe! You may not have lost your opportunity with this wild thing for good, but it may be delayed.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a funny guy and my girlfriend is a hoot who can give as good as she gets in the Witty Department. But lately, there’s been a critical edge to her little shots and I’m starting to feel the slings and arrows.

Lately, she’s been making cracks about my bubble butt. It is muscled and very round for a guy. So, what? “Better than having a flabby one!” I said last night, and then she felt hurt.

I don’t want to get all heavy with her and I sure don’t want to put a damper on the kibitzing which she and I have enjoyed until now; it’s been a special part of our relationship.

What do you suggest? — Bubble Butt, St. James

Dear Bubble Butt: As in any competitive sport, you have to create some rules to prevent lows blows and dirty play. That means you two jokers are going to have to sit down and talk about what areas to leave alone.

You’re going to have to talk about what things are sacred or sensitive for each of you. That talk could actually further your intimacy as a couple and end up being a really good thing!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve really gained weight in the last eight months of vegging out at home, and my doctor said my blood-sugar numbers are up. So now, on top of enduring the pandemic, I have to cut out the snacks I love and take more medication.

I am fed up with everything I’m being denied, and by other people who don’t have to watch their diet like do. How much more crap are we going to have to go through before this is over?

I’m sick of not seeing my friends and being able to go to my gym with my friends. I’m tired of working from home. I am just plain depressed by fall and winter coming. Help! — Fed Up To Here! Brandon

Dear Fed Up: I think you should look out the window every day and be glad to see daylight! Maybe it’s time to find ways to help other people instead of feeling sorry for yourself.

A great antidote for self-pity is helping out those less fortunate, and there are all kinds of volunteer organizations that could certainly do with your help.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography