Opt for beer pong over boozy Truth or Dare

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/11/2020 (2113 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My young wife and I, married just two years, were bored at home and stupidly decided to drink some wine and play Truth or Dare. As a result of this drinking game, we have not made love for the last two weeks.

To be honest, I’m feeling insecure. I now know my wife thinks I’ve gotten “soft” in the gut and have a terrible singing voice in the shower. And (this is the worst) she sometimes fantasizes about her football-playing ex when we are beginning to have sex “but then switches to me.”

Because I was drunk and opened my big mouth, she now knows her mother — who drinks too much — rested her hand on my bare leg and it gave me the creeps, that I liked her hair better before she cut it short, and I think her new perfume stinks.

As for the dares, I never knew she could chug-a-lug booze like a guy and when she dared to put on a pair of my tighty-whities, that wasn’t her first rodeo.

I was dared to show her a picture of my first girlfriend (unfortunately, we looked totally in love) and she had to show me a picture of her favourite ex-boyfriend — the guy looked almost exactly like me, except he had hard stomach muscles. What does that make me? His miserable stand-in?

It was a bad, stupid night with more than one kind of hangover. I don’t feel turned on by her right now and she’s obsessively taking showers and throwing out perfumes. How do we get back to normal? I really love her and I think she loves me.

— Two Dumbbells, Charleswood

Dear Dumbbells: It would help if you both made lists of all the things you like and love about each other, in order to give less importance to the negatives.

Reducing the damage? The hard stomach muscles can be brought back again with sit-ups and weights. As for her mother’s hand on your leg, assure your wife you will remove that hand, pronto, and remark on it, should it ever happen again.  Not much can be done about hair-length preference. Does your wife tell you how she wants you to wear your hair? Better to leave that subject alone, after this. As for the stinky perfume (in your opinion), bring her home a beautiful new perfume that’s just on the market.

Regarding the photo that makes you jealous, don’t freak out about the old boyfriend who looks like you. That should just tell you she has a preferred type, and be glad you’re her type! And so what if she can chug beer and has worn a pair of tighty-whities for a laugh! Chalk that up to girls’ drinking parties.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It has been brought to my attention that an older guy is dropping my daughter off a few houses down. I thought she was coming home on the bus from work. My daughter is 18, but not very mature for her age. The neighbour said the guy was “definitely mid-20s.” That’s too old, and she knows it, or she could have let him come right up to our house. We have had some trouble with her before over older guys, and I don’t want her to blow up and move out.

— Nervous Parent, West Kildonan

Dear Nervous: Don’t protect the neighbour’s identity. Be clear who it was that informed you, and relate to your daughter exactly what they said, and that, of course, you are curious and want to know who the new guy is. Maybe he is really just a friend from work. Ask your daughter to invite him in, or at least to the door, as he’s part of the family COVID-19 bubble now. Don’t be mean and accusatory, as she’s “of age” now, as much as she still feels like your little girl.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My lover just informed me she’s finally ready to leave her husband, but now I’m not so sure. As long as she was tied to him, I wanted nothing more than to get her away from him. But now, it’s a scary big deal if she leaves her marriage for me. She is not a woman who wants to live on her own, ever. I live alone in my own house — lots of room for a woman. I don’t know what to tell her.

— Back-pedalling, North End

Dear Back-pedalling: You have to confess to her exactly what you told me! She deserves nothing less, especially if you have been trying to tempt her away from her husband. You will likely lose her after this upset, especially if you have been proclaiming your love, never thinking you’d have to do anything about it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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