Man-boy’s mommy issues sabotaged relationship

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 21/01/2021 (2087 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:  My boyfriend was poorly treated — virtually ignored by his mother growing up. Now, in his 20s, he’s looking for a woman who will “appreciate” him. I’ve found out that means waiting on him hand and foot.

He’s never happier than when he’s in the living room, playing games online or watching TV, and I’m cooking him dinner in the kitchen. Sometimes he calls for me to bring him drinks so he doesn’t have to get up. I also wash, dry and fold his clothes, and walk to the store for groceries.

I have my own place, but I rarely go there. What does he give me? Great sex, although it’s more about him than me in the end, if you know what I mean.

We appear domesticated and comfortable as a couple. However, the other day he said casually as he watched TV, “You act more like a mother than a girlfriend.”

I cried — couldn’t help it. I thought we were in love, headed for marriage, but it was just a handy-dandy maid service he had with me.

He didn’t understand, and said that statement was a compliment, because he didn’t get any mothering.

I got my coat and went home to my little suite. He keeps calling. What should I do? — Substitute Mother No More, Downtown

Dear Mother: You may have suspected it, but he verbalized it. That’s been your role in his life and he’s enjoyed you because he got what he needed that he never got from his mother.

The next girl he chooses may be an opposite reaction — a big romance for him — but it’s more likely he’ll go for another woman who’s very domestic and motherly.

If he can get both — a romance that inspires him and a mother substitute — so much the better. If they have children, he may love them but be jealous when she gives most of her attention to the real children in her life.

It’s time for you to face facts. This man-boy had to know he was telling you the truth — you aren’t the romantic love of his life.

You got full marks for cooking and housekeeping, though, and it seems he wants you back for more of that. That’s why the phone rings and rings. Going back would be a waste of your time.

Of course you’re lonely right now, but you can survive this. Get on the phone and online to reacquaint yourself with friends and co-workers you ignored while lovingly serving this boyfriend.

When you have healed up, and the world opens up again after COVID-19, you can start seriously looking for a romantic love where you aren’t the servant and mama substitute.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife claims her back hurts when she sleeps with me, and is camping out on the sofa bed in the living room, where she lies on her back and saws logs.

She starts on her side, where she does not snore, but flips on her back around midnight and turns into a freight train.

I lie in the bedroom and stare at the ceiling — tired, angry and frustrated. She’s mentioned moving to a bigger house where she could sleep on one floor and I could sleep on another.

I have begged her to go for a sleep study and get help but she just says, “What for?” She gets eight hours of perfect sleep every night, and I don’t.

As for the sex in our marriage? Can’t remember the last time, and she’s starting to disgust me.

Also, we have no children, and she doesn’t care. But I do! Should I give up? — Living With a Freight Train, West End

Dear Train: Your wife is showing you she doesn’t care about her love life with you. Moving to a bigger house so you can be further apart is her idea.

Sounds like a very bad deal. And good marriages are a type of deal — give and take on things with lots of love, both emotional and physical, and possibly a family.

Maybe this woman does need a new place — one of her own.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography