Talk it out before writing off cold marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/05/2021 (1820 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband was a great guy — someone I was once madly in love with. I just don’t feel it anymore. We’ve been together since high school. We hide the coldness in front of friends, of course. Those people still talk about how amazing we are after close to 10 years. What a sad joke! Truth is, after we got married and had the two kids bang-bang, sex mostly stopped.

He started drinking after dinner and was not up for much by bedtime. He became distant — yammering a lot about his career. And one night he let it slip, when he was drunk, that he didn’t want to “make more kids to feed.” What an ugly thing to say! Our kids are great, no thanks to Dad, who doesn’t have the energy to play with them.

I stopped asking for sex because he said no so often and never initiated, almost like he already had someone else! Our youngest child is five; sex has been an issue since he was born.

I was really sad for a long time, but now I’m over it. I think he’s cheated on me at different periods of time — like when I was pregnant and more recently — but I can’t prove it.

I think I want to leave him, but I don’t have anyone to talk to. Friends and family all think I’m part of some lucky double-income career couple. Saddest thing? I don’t think my husband would care too much if I left him, as he seems “checked out” already. I really worry about our children losing their father. What should I do?

— I’m Done, North End

Dear Done: This is one thing you can do for your kids — get professional counselling even if you think things are dead with your husband. At least try! You need counselling separately and as a couple — and your husband needs help with the alcohol.

Counselling can be freeing. There are things you’d never say to your mate that you can say alone to a counsellor — like things you can’t stand about your partner that may be very personal, insulting or hurtful. Experienced counsellors have heard it all, and you’re not shocking them. They often have solutions for these problems and ways to address them without causing more harm.

There seems to be enough money between you two to get a fair bit of help. The children deserve you giving it a big try. If you don’t, once they get older they may ask you if you did. And if you didn’t, why not?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Despite the pandemic, I’ve been busy online and have had quite a few online and real-life dates (masked, distanced and outdoors) in the last year. Loneliness pushes me out there. But I feel like I’m never going to meet the right woman! I’m in my 40s now and it seems like it’s true there’s no one left. I feel like an old divorcé cliché from a sitcom where the guy says, “All the good ones are gone! Sigh…”

Seriously, I was very shy through my 20s and half my 30s. I feel like I’m finally over it, but the only people still single are crazy, bitter, sexually-confused or out for revenge against an ex. Help me see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel, please.

— Living a Cliché, Osborne Village

Dear Cliché: You’re one of the good ones, right? So, you can be sure there are a few others out there, too. Finding them online in a pandemic is tough, though you have proven you can do it. In a few months, activities, sports, interest clubs, travel and charity work where you can meet a lot of good single people will be coming back.

So, give up all the negative self-talk and concentrate on getting yourself into prime shape for your own personal “Find Love Campaign” this fall. Get fit, caught up on interesting subjects and get into interest groups online. You could fix up your palace, stock the larder and learn how to pour cool drinks for a new lady. Right now, buy new summer clothes and possibly rent a little cabin for the summer that would be available to you and one friend — not a group. You could enjoy nature, walking your dog if you have one, and running in the cool of early morning and evening.

Most importantly, get yourself in your best physical, mental and emotional shape to attract the kind of winning woman you want. Yes, it’s a bit early yet, but “the times they are a-changin’.” Thank you, Bob Dylan.

Please send questions, comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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