Let infidelity prompt planning, not panic

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This article was published 23/05/2021 (1815 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a stay-at-home mom of two very young boys and recently discovered my husband has been cheating on me. I actually have proof, but he doesn’t know it. He’s a young executive with a high-paying job. We met in university and fell madly in love. While I was in the middle of my studies, I suddenly got pregnant and had to hit pause — on what felt like my whole life. We got married very quickly.

Now, several years later, I’m longing for more in my life, and apparently so is he. I’m devastated and heartbroken, and not only that, I feel like I have no power anymore. He can just leave and start a new life. I’m not even finished my degree. What do I do?

— Scared Mom, Southdale

Dear Sacred: Don’t rock the boat just yet. Before you even raise the subject of cheating, which could start a battle that ends your marriage in one night, get a plan going. First, insist on personal counselling for yourself right now, because you need someone to help you get back on your feet after having the kids so close together. Getting counselling help via a face-to-face meeting app like Zoom is easy to do these days.

It’ll make your husband nervous, as he suspects he’ll be a major subject of discussion. If he wants to accompany you, invite him for some sessions, but not at first — and not all of them. This is a place where you talk freely about people and address every issue with the counsellor, including what your husband doesn’t like about you these days and what you don’t like about him — though you may still love one another deep down.

You may choose to have it out with him about the cheating with the counsellor present, as a trained referee. Meanwhile, ensure your birth control is as foolproof as it can get, with quality condoms added (on any excuse) to protect you from sexually-transmitted infections from another person. Perhaps you aren’t even having sex with each other at this stage, but, if the counsellor helps you get back together emotionally and sexually, you need guaranteed safety.

If you break up or not, you really need that career you were studying for. Start lining up courses online. Your husband will probably be more than happy to pay because they will make you happier — and he feels guilty about the cheating.

All this change will signal to your husband you’re not the poor, helpless mother stuck at home and riding on his financial coattails for life. He will see you’re making plans, rather than being a helpless victim. Those plans and actions will get rid of the “stuck” feeling almost immediately for both of you, and you never know what could happen then.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m not married or even dating, and I’m a two-dose vaccinated guy because of my workplace, but nobody wants to get together socially with me from work. Same for dating. You’d think I’d be the gold standard in dating material, but I’m definitely not. I work at a medical facility — lots of single women there — but no luck at all.

— Lonely Single Guy, Winnipeg

Dear Lonely: Look at this from another angle. Maybe your shared place of work is the last thing a woman wants to be reminded of when out on a date. People who work around the coronavirus desperately need a break from the threat of it, or even talking about it, when they have time off. Sometimes watching a movie alone, something that takes a person far away from working reality, is preferable to being with someone who works in the same place, no matter how nice he is.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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