Be open with mother about how potty mouth affects you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 31/05/2021 (1951 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is a woman with a poor education and a bad mouth. She does have a kind heart underneath her brittle exterior.

She brought me up by herself — no known father. One thing I can say is she was always very loving to me, but I moved out at 18 because I was embarrassed to bring my friends over.

I still visit her regularly. I don’t bring girlfriends over to meet her because her language is so bad. I don’t know why she curses like that.

I’m in my late 30s now and have finally found a girlfriend I’m serious about. Last night my lady asked, “Why have you never introduced me to your mother?” I pleaded the pandemic as my excuse. But I know when it’s safe, my girlfriend will ask me to meet Ma.

How to I describe my mother? One person said, “She dresses like a hippie and talks like a witch.” She gets a kick out of shocking people. I don’t think she can turn the swearing on and off. Maybe she can, but I’ve never seen it.

This is tough to admit, but I’m not sure I want a woman who swears non-stop as my children’s grandmother. I would like to have kids and maybe it’ll be with this woman I’m falling in love with. Please help. I need my mom to…

— Stop Cursing For Me, East Kildonan

Dear Stop Cursing: You have some time before this pandemic ends to talk your mother into speaking a different language when certain people are around, including you.

Tell her you want to bring home a girlfriend you may be serious about. Also, tell her you’d like to have kids one day and you need her to be able to switch to polite language when they come to visit. You might find out she already can, and uses more polite words in certain situations.

You might also ask her (gently) to tell you why she swears so much, when she knows it offends people. Is it to keep people away because she’s actually shy? Or, is she afraid of being hurt or pushed around and swears at people to make them think she’s tough? Is she so angry at everything she lets off the pressure through language?

Also ask her where she first heard vulgar language on a regular basis. There is probably a story here. You’ll have to be strong enough to listen calmly, even if it’s raw. Maybe being rude and spouting swear words is how she kept someone for her safety. After all, puffing up and roaring is the only way some slight creatures defend themselves from predators.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I need help with a difficult work situation. My new co-worker is coming on to me. I’m a lesbian who is out and proud. The new person’s also out and thinks she’s being cool about it, as she tries to flirt with me, but she’s actually quite obvious. An office friend of mine commented on it.

How do I tell the new co-worker I’ve noticed, and it’s not welcome? I already have a partner I love, and we live together. I guess she doesn’t know that, but it’s really none of her business. What should I do?

— Feeling Uncomfortable, Downtown

Dear Uncomfortable: Mention the lady you live with subtly, in the context of making plans for the summer with her. Then ask the new co-worker if she has plans for her summer.

It’s good to be friendly with her, but you have to let her know clearly you’re taken and happy in your present relationship. There doesn’t have to be a showdown over this, just some enlightenment.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: You’d never guess my husband is an alcoholic. He gargles before he goes to work and he doesn’t have one drink until he gets home at “happy hour.”

To me, it’s far from “happy” because he turns into this secret alcoholic. He didn’t drink when we met, because his father was a drinker and he hated what it did to him.

As his workload got tougher, he started having a drink to wind down when he got home, which progressed to two or three drinks, and for a year now he drinks until he falls into bed and passes out.

Not in my bed! He stopped being able to have sex because of the drink, and we sleep separately. He always says “I love you” when he walks past my bedroom door, and sometimes I just turn and cry into the pillow.

I don’t know what to do, but there’s no marriage left, and I’m not an old woman. I have my own career and I’m ready to leave. I have begged him to quit drinking, but he won’t.

— Living a Sham of a Marriage, Winnipeg

Dear Living a Sham: Because their mates have hung in there a long time, some alcoholics have no fear their partner will leave, until they actually do. Maybe it’s time. Maybe you need to leave, for yourself, to start a new life with some positive things in it again. Once you make the break, your husband may tell you he’s going to take the cure and win you back — but you have to come back because he can’t do it without you.

Don’t bite. When he had both you and the bottle before, he had no real need to quit, even though he knew you were miserable and you were sleeping apart.

Send your questions, comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography