Kids aren’t pawns in soured marriage

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This article was published 11/07/2021 (1860 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m unhappily married and I’ve met another woman who takes my breath away. My wife found out and told me if I wasn’t prepared to get rid of this girlfriend, she would kick me out before September and raise our kids all by herself. She’s a tough woman and she means it.

She says I can’t expect to be in and out of her house, seeing the kids, because if I don’t choose her, she’ll never want to see my cheating face again! So, I have to give up my girlfriend immediately and make it up to my wife.

Don’t get me wrong. I respect my wife, her professional career and the excellent mother she is. But she has never respected me as a blue-collar worker.

She did chase and marry me, though. I believe she did because I was “strong and handsome” (her words at the time). I was also romantic and would sing her to sleep after making love. I’m not so good-looking now.

I think she has tired of me. She stopped talking to me much and directs all her attention to our children. I always feel lonely and left out around her.

Eight years and three kids later, I met my girlfriend and I feel wonderful around her. I also love my kids and they love me, and I do lots with them; I teach them to build and have taken them to all their activities. I don’t know what to do. My wife’s threatening to take away my beloved children. Can she do that?

— Devoted Father, southern Manitoba

Dear Devoted: It sounds like you’ll either get divorced now or later, and her threat will stand. Before you say anything to your wife, hire the best divorce lawyer you can and talk about the threat she’s made. Know your rights and be prepared to fight for them.

You’re a good father and the only reason she’d try to take the children is to get back at you. Divorce laws and good divorce lawyers are there to a make sure parents can’t vindictively use children as pawns.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend tells me the reason she doesn’t want to have a full sex life is because she’s asexual — not sexually attracted to me or anyone.

She’s fine to cuddle, and often is the initiator, but she doesn’t want to go all the way “not now and not ever.” We’re not teenagers — we’re both in our mid 20s.

I really like her and keep trying to convince her she isn’t asexual, but she says: “Oh, yes I am. I should know.” I think she may be lying, but I can’t figure out for what reason. What do you think?

— Always Frustrated, Wolseley

Dear Frustrated: Stop trying to make a convert! It pays to believe people when they tell you about their sexuality. You’re no asexual so you need to say farewell, and give up trying to convince her she doesn’t know her own mind and body. Let her find someone else who just wants to cuddle, and that’s it.

As you say — you’re not a teenager anymore. This is such a waste of your time! The large majority of people are not asexual, so the numbers are clearly on your side.

Imagine if you found a new girlfriend you really loved and you both thought sex was great and there was never any hassle like this. Hurray!

It’s your ego that makes you want to convert this woman, and it’s keeping you stuck in an unsatisfying relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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