Occupation shouldn’t be factor in lasting relationship

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This article was published 09/09/2021 (1800 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I used to own and run a successful business and that’s where I met my wife. She was a beautiful young employee who ended up asking me out — in case anyone is worried about the power dynamic.

I’ve since lost the business because of the pandemic, and am just another working stiff now. Things have grown pretty stale between my wife and I lately. She finally admitted it’s because I’m not an entrepreneur anymore. She said she “doesn’t see me the same way now.” Having my own business was a big deal to her.

I’m kind of disgusted, to be honest. I wish I’d seen it for what it was, way before this. She didn’t care about me so much as the idea of being with someone who was “large and in charge.”

I don’t want to admit defeat in my marriage, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to fix it when she’s already pulled away, and now here I am feeling nothing for her. Is it over?

— No Entrepreneur, River Heights

Dear No Entrepreneur: It’s sad when someone you thought loved you as a person actually loved you for your position of power. You don’t mention any children. If you were just dating or living together and had not married, would you split right now?

Ask your wife what her feelings for you are in this marriage, and to state them clearly. If she prefaces her answer by saying, “Well, we’re married, so of course I love you,” think hard about that supposedly logical statement.

When she asks you what your feelings are for her — and she no doubt will — you may be able to state them immediately, or you might need time. But, what you should know right now is this: If you want children, but this is not the woman you love deeply and want to stay with for life, then this is the wrong person to be with. It’d be better to leave sooner than later. A surprise pregnancy is the last thing you need, and this woman is nothing if not calculating.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just came back from one of my favourite places. This lake and the cabin my husband and I rented every year hold many treasured and beautiful memories for me. I’m 46 and my husband of 14 years recently passed away. I felt like I needed to get away and re-live some memories of our time there.

When I arrived, my lake neighbour — a divorced man, who rents for the whole season — was waiting to welcome me, with a big hug and condolences. He carried my luggage and groceries in for me, then left me to settle in.

Shortly after dinner, my neighbour returned with a bottle of my favourite wine. I could see he’d already been drinking a fair bit. He followed me into the living room, where he took the liberty of lighting my fireplace. I had an uncomfortable feeling that something wasn’t quite right.

He poured us some drinks, and then it happened. He grabbed my hand and told me he had always had feelings for me, and that my late husband didn’t deserve me. He tried to kiss me, and I jerked away!

He suddenly got this mean expression on his face — and he went on to tell me that my late husband was not the man I thought he was. He said he’d heard he had affairs — and offered his phoney sympathy. I slapped his face and yelled at him to leave, and he did. Then I broke down sobbing. My heart was broken and my head was spinning.

When I stopped crying, I threw my stuff in the car and drove home to Winnipeg. The man I adored may not have been the man I loved. Where do I go from here?

— Head is Spinning, Heart Too, south Winnipeg

Dear Head is Spinning: Don’t take the word of a drunk man who has just been rejected by you. He has no one to refute his story about your husband, and it might be a pack of self-serving lies.

Have a word with the people who run the cabin rental business about the harassment from this guy — and ask for a full or partial refund. They will have wondered why you disappeared in such a hurry! This guy who came on to you and harassed you may get the boot and not be allowed back.

If you’d had no clues about cheating from your husband — usually there are some if we think back — then this guy may be talking through his hat. If it turns out later you learn your husband was not faithful, it will hurt a lot, but in the end, it may actually make it easier to get on with your life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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