Subtle sleuthing could suss out sisterly rift

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This article was published 09/10/2021 (1819 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My sister is so rude to our parents I can’t get over it! I know you’re normally the “love lady,” but I’ve seen letters about family and I figured I’d ask you, as therapy costs a lot of money.

We’re in our late 20s and my sister seems to default into eight-year-old mode anytime our parents call or ask her to come visit. She seems to have some unknown issue with them contacting her, and I can see it hurts them. Last week they invited her to dinner and she told them she was staying home instead because she didn’t feel like going out. At this point she hadn’t seen or heard from them in months.

What’s the issue? How do I talk to her about it without her brushing me off? I want to help.

— What’s the Deal? North End

Dear What’s the Deal: You sister is fighting the control of your parents — perhaps just one parent, and most likely your mother. Moms usually allow boys to be freer and more independent, but girls can have trouble wresting power from their mothers in their 20s.

You want the real story? Invite Dad over to help you with a project.

You should be aware fathers know a lot about what’s going on in a family that they don’t talk about to the kids. He and your mom talk things over — or she talks, and he listens. At any rate here’s how you worm things out of him. In a casual voice while taking care of the project, ask, “So Dad? What’s the problem with my sister not coming over for dinners?”

If he says, “I dunno,” you say, “Did she and Mom have a fight?” If he grunts, meaning yes, start slowly playing the guess game on what the fight was over. Keep one eye on dad’s face, and when he reacts physically, or he gets something stuck in his throat, you’re on the right path.

Be gentle, and don’t say much or express anger. If you’re not hitting pay-dirt, the problem your sister has may be with Dad himself. Then you say directly: “Have I got this all wrong? Is she actually angry at you?” You may not get the whole story, but you’ll get enough to go talk things out with your sister about the parents — gently, with no name-calling, like two adults.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just bought my wife a new car, and she still won’t touch me. We’ve been together for just over 10 years and she acts like anytime we’re intimate that she’s doing me a favour. I find her behaviour insulting and it hurts.

Some women think men only want to get quick satisfaction, but believe me, there are many like me who prefer the actual intimacy and feeling loved. Sex isn’t just a way to deal with stress or “be selfish” as she puts it; it’s a way for people who love each other to be as close as possible, in my mind.

Something changed years ago, and as a last-ditch effort I’ve tried to buy her gifts. It’s like nothing excites her, and she is more bitter than ever. I haven’t cheated, I’m not a yeller, and it takes a lot for me to get upset over something. I guess I’m not exciting enough. What gives?

— Mr. Boring? South Winnipeg

Dear Mr. Boring: Buying big gifts to get your wife to want sex with you didn’t work. It may even have made her feel like a prostitute, and it certainly made you feel weird, didn’t it? There’s something else going on here. It’s suspicious your wife is so dead set against sex with you, 10 years into your marriage. Does she perhaps have someone else on the line? Did you ever insult her body and now she doesn’t want to show it to you? Does sex hurt her physically?

Ask her if she’d go to relationship counselling with you, and if she says no, dig into this question with her — why has her desire for lovemaking with you waned?

Is there any reason she’d feel unloved by you that you know of? Why would she not want to fix her marriage? You may not want to live out your life like this, and that should also be discussed, as you seem to be at the crisis point.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At what point do you just go out and cheat? My husband has refused sex for years now, but talks a big game about how much he loves me in front of our friends and family. I have gained a bit of weight over the years but so has he, and I need physical love.

Every time I bring it up, he tells me to “calm down” (the worst expression!) and says there isn’t a problem. I’m tired of being gaslit by him to convince me nothing is wrong when it clearly is. I’m ready to call up my ex and tell him he can finally come over and “clear my mind.”

— The Thirst Is Real, Downtown

Dear Thirst is Real: Your husband has totally refused sex for years, yet he’s staying. Something is dramatically wrong, and here are some possibilities: He has lost his ability to maintain an erection and needs to see a specialist, but he’s too proud to go; he has a lover, of either sex; he has multiple sex partners and doesn’t want to pass on sexually transmitted infections.

It’s interesting he’s putting on such a show about loving you when people are over. Is he hanging onto this marriage he doesn’t want sexually for financial reasons? Even if he won’t go with you, you need to see a relationship counsellor because you need to work out something soon.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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