Chronic whiner should cheese it or lose you

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This article was published 13/11/2021 (1737 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a widow and my new man is a habitual complainer. I’m a naturally sympathetic person, but there has to be a limit. A lot of the time it’s about his aches and pains, so I bought him creams and remedies recommended by my pharmacist.

Last time I was at his place, I saw he hadn’t even cracked them. I’m so annoyed! But, it’s hard to find a new man when you’re in your early 60s and he’s a good lover — fully capable and enthusiastic. So, what can I do about his endless whining?

— Staying for the Sex, Southdale

Dear Staying for Sex: Next time you’re with him hold a piece of paper and jot down each complaint. When he asks what you’re doing, say: “Taking notes of your complaints so we can figure out how to fix each situation.”

He’ll be annoyed. Too bad! When he starts repeating an old complaint another day, just say, “Already noted. We’re looking into it.”

He may be glad to work out solutions, but if he’s really a professional complainer and addicted to your sympathy, he’ll show you that. If he does, encourage him to move on to a more motherly type of partner. Then it’s time for you to kick the sympathy habit, and move on to a guy who takes charge of his life and fixes things.

As for the sex issue, there are lots of older guys who are fun to be with and able to have sex, with or without pharmaceutical aids like for erectile dysfunction.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m sick and tired of listening to my son criticize his poor wife! He tells that poor young woman I’m a better at housekeeping, baking and sewing than she is and calls her “hopeless.” The only thing he admits his wife can do well is mother the children — which she does beautifully. God knows he’s not around much.

I asked him to tell me what he’s good at in the home. It turns out my son does nothing. He leaves everything to the person he now refers to resentfully as “her.”

I asked him why he thinks she keeps him around when other modern husbands do their best to be part of everything. He looked at me, shocked and said: “You did everything at home. Why can’t she?”

It turns out he thinks the fact that he’s a big money-maker like his dad and his wife “gets to stay home” entitles him to open his big mouth and criticize her at every turn. I can see he’s a spoiled mama’s boy, and could very well lose his wife. I’m terrified of losing close contact with my grandchildren!

I can see the light has gone out of their mother’s eyes in this marriage. Do you have any suggestions that will help save this marriage?

— Guilty Mother of ‘Her’ Husband, West Kildonan

Dear Guilty Mother: Your son’s not going to suddenly start helping with things at home, but he could invest in his marriage by using some of his big money to hire a housekeeper a few times a week. That could relieve a lot of housework pressure.

That will free his wife to take the kids out and do everything she wants to do with them — and it’ll be better for everybody. She also needs her husband to babysit his kids and get to know them — so she can regularly get out herself.

Since you want to help take more stress off this couple, volunteer to do overnights with the children — at your house. Be active! Teach them games, build forts with sofa pillows, bake with them, and when they’re old enough, take them out on little excursions with you. Be a stellar grandma and a quiet support to your daughter-in-law.

This stay-at-home wife has been trapped too long and criticized too much. You’re wise to invest in your son’s marriage and the long-term happiness of his wife and children.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I suspect my girlfriend is cheating, and I actually know who she’s doing it with. It’s an old “friend” from our high school who used to be a fat nerd, but slimmed down and put on muscle. He’s a bulked up like a football player now. She ran into him in the gym and has been mentioning him too often and the “amazing progress” he’s making. To me, she’s clearly hot for the new him.

I dropped by the gym this week (a surprise visit) and saw her at the machine next to his. Both were in tight workout clothes — a far cry from the grey shorts and black T-shirt she used to wear. I stood there watching. My girlfriend finally spotted me and came running over, suddenly quite red in the face. Her startled expression read “Caught!” to me.

I said: “So that’s my competition?” and she stuttered and said, “Oh he’s just an old friend from high school.” I said, “Oh yes, I remember him, but he was a nerd then.” She turned on her heel and walked back to him.

I’m sorry now, and I miss her, but I’m stubborn and haven’t called her in a week. She hasn’t called me either. What does this mean? Are we done?

— Hurting, Fort Rouge

Dear Hurting: There’s no other way to do this than to call her or visit. Then say simply: “Are we still seeing each other?” and hear what she has to say. She may say no, and just leave it at that. If she says maybe, there may be a chance to talk this out. No matter what the outcome, talking is better than living with question marks in your head, that drive you crazy.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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