Flirty father-in-law stirring up trouble

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This article was published 05/02/2022 (1674 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My father-in-law admires me way too much. It’s causing trouble. He keeps telling his wife she should be more like me, and he’s making things embarrassing.

The other day after it snowed, my husband started a big shovelling job. Then I came out in my one-piece snowsuit, wanting to finish the rest. I love being outdoors in the snow and I’m also an athlete.

Then my father-in-law dropped in, as he often does these days, and saw me happily shovelling. He congratulated me, winked, and said his son was a very lucky guy. Then he picked up the other shovel and insisted on helping me finish. I must say he was acting pretty flirty.

Later, I heard he went home and complained to his wife about not helping him shovel. She’s a tiny little lady who couldn’t shovel snow if her life depended on it! She phoned me that night and made a joke about her husband having a crush on me, but she wasn’t really laughing.

Oh boy. How do I handle this?

— Don’t Need this Trouble, Westwood

Dear Trouble: This is a problem your husband should handle — pleasantly, but bluntly. Suggest he shines a light on his Dad’s behaviour by saying: “Your open admiration for my wife is going a little too far — and it’s upsetting people.” That should be enough for him to get the hint. But, if he asks exactly who he’s upsetting, your husband should add, “It’s bugging everybody — my wife, your wife and me. So, please stop it.”

Dad may pretend he doesn’t know what his son’s talking about, but he’ll likely stop, now it’s no longer his secret crush and it’s hurting people.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I finally went to my boss and told him I needed a raise. He asked me if I would be willing to take a job with more responsibilities. I actually love my present job, and had just been hoping for a well-deserved raise. I didn’t know how to say no, though. Then he asked me if I’d like to take on a supervisory job. I gulped, and said OK. Now I’m worried I made a big mistake. Please help.

— In Over My Head? Downtown

Dear Over My Head?: Let me explain the “Some Other Idiot” theory of taking on new work, when you’re feeling insecure. If you don’t take the higher position and raise in pay, know that some other “idiot” will take it, and learn how to do it.

They might not do it as well as you would have — but they had the guts to take it on. And, that “idiot” could become your boss one day.

So, jump into it, study up and ask lots of questions. But, be wise enough to ask them of people who are not jealous of your promotion — and would never throw you under the bus.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I had a horrible nightmare about my verbally violent ex-husband. It was way too real. He was never a violent-acting man but he spoke in nasty, violent detail, about what he’d like to do to people, who crossed him — always adding in his cultured voice, “If it were legal.”

My second husband is a big hunk. Part of me chose him as a protector, and I recognize that. From my nightmare, I realize my old fears have re-surfaced. The fears of my ex coming after me to do horrible things to me are unreasonable in the light of day — but they terrify me at night. I don’t want to go back on pills!

My ex-husband doesn’t even live in the same province anymore. I feel scared, and I really need help to deal with this, as I fear I might “lose it” again.

— Plagued by him Again, Fort Richmond

Dear Plagued: Fears are there to protect us from harm when the threat is reasonable. But, when it isn’t, you need the help of a professional to get the fears out in the light and talk them over, so they lose their power over you. There’s no shame in having a relapse, but you do need to pinpoint what’s bringing it on, and get a handle on it quickly.

A psychiatrist recommended by your physician would be covered by provincial health, and they can prescribe medication if you need. However, there are usually waiting lists. A psychologist (who can’t prescribe medication) might be a fit for you, and you could get an appointment more quickly. You’d have to pay for sessions unless you have workplace group insurance to cover part or all of the cost.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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