You’ll both lose if you weaponize hubby’s love secrets

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 27/08/2022 (1455 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: On a sweltering day recently, my husband and I launched into our own third world war.

Afterwards, he went up to the lake to cool off. I was so mad, I didn’t even cry. I went down to our basement, where it’s always cool and dark, to drink some whiskey and plot my revenge. My eyes wandered over to some cupboards where he stores his old boxes, in regard to which I have been warned to “respect his privacy.”

Yeah, right! I pulled one box out from the back and opened it — nothing much. But, in box No. 3, I hit the jackpot — if you can call it that. It was full of love letters from old girlfriends. Mostly it was the usual hearts and flowers and then the recriminations and breakup nastiness. Big deal! Everybody has this.

Then I came to box No. 4, way at the back — tied up with black ribbon and wire!

Inside, there were letters from “Mistress X” to her “Love Slave,” who must be my husband. What? He acts like Mr. Boss Man to me, though I know he’s a pussycat underneath. He’s obviously come a long way from his college days of obeying Mistress X’s orders, and satisfying her every whim. I confess I read every last word of those steamy letters.

He obviously adored her in a way he’s never adored me. In fact, I never get the chance to dominate him in any way. He’s the total boss in this house. I don’t know what to do with this information. Help me understand.

— When the Cat’s Away, Westwood

Dear Cat’s Away: Leaving those letters in a deep, dark basement cupboard where they could still be found says something important. Not that he wanted you to read them, but that he trusted you enough that he didn’t have to burn them.

Just their existence reminds him of the time when he was young and vulnerable to a woman who dominated him, and his duty was to worship her. No doubt, he graduated from that relationship at great cost.

When he recovered, he probably vowed he’d never be in that position again, and he wanted real power. Then, you came along. Clearly, your relationship is not so unbalanced as that old one. Now he’s on the more powerful side of the teeter-totter but not so high up you can’t be off the ground with him, too. You talked back to him, and he just stormed off to the lake for a bit — not that unusual, for some couples. It was a spat, not the painful destruction of a relationship.

If you love this man and want to stay with him, realize that his old relationship was very difficult. Your relationship is much easier and probably enjoyable most of the time. And, know this: Just because he seemed desperate for her love in his letters, doesn’t mean he loves you less. True, he’s no longer desperately in love, but now he knows he’s loved and respected back, and not just a dominated submissive.

Can you keep quiet about those letters now? It would be best, and let’s be honest, you did learn a lot from them. There are likely many private things he doesn’t know about the inner workings of your past relationships. If he did read some of your old letters, wouldn’t you appreciate it if he held his tongue, and didn’t make embarrassing comments?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We have a big pool in our backyard in the city, but since we bought a cabin at a lake, nobody uses it much during July and August. My husband told the man who shares a fence with us that if he’d tend our pool for the summer, he could swim in it “any time he wants.” Now we’re back, and living with the result of that stupid deal.

This neighbour guy comes through our new shared fence gate (my husband’s idea) every day — and he swims in the pool like he still has the right. OK, he also takes care of the pool cleaning and stuff. But we (the owners) are back now, and I just want him to go back to his place and stay there when he’s not doing this work for us. The pool does belong to us, so we’re entitled to our privacy.

I’m typing this letter in the kitchen looking out and I can see his bald head in our pool, and it’s irking me! How do we tell him his pool days are over for the summer? It just bugs me so much that he’s taken over our pool! How do we kiss him off?

— Wanting Pool Privacy Back, Tuxedo

Dear Pool Privacy: It didn’t bug you when you had perfect freedom to stay at the lake all summer and not worry for a minute about your pool. So, be careful about this. Maybe what this fellow needs is a thank-you card, a tip and a note that reads: “See you next year, if you want to do the pool deal again.” That’s a sweeter kiss-off than what you had in mind. You could end up with his handy-dandy services again next summer — or you could pay bigger fees for a pool service company to come. They’re not allowed to dip.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography