Even post-betrayal, it takes time for feelings to fade

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/11/2022 (1407 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I was staying at my boyfriend’s place in his guest room all weekend to nurse him, while he had that ugly flu recently. I ran out of things to do alone there, so I decided to do his laundry, as a gift. I thought clean clothes and towels, after so much sickness, would be nice.

I checked all his pockets for change, before throwing his clothes in. And, guess what I found in the pocket of a shirt, lying over his old plugged-in laptop? A tiny list of computer passwords. He was in bed sleeping.

I stayed up half the night going crazy online! Imagine my shock when I found myself in some kinky websites — who knew that about him? Worse than that, I learned two of my “girlfriends” were playing around with him, behind my back.

My weird question for you: We have since fought for hours on the phone, but the love still exists, in some strangled form. What do I do about my inappropriate leftover feelings for him?

He says it’s my own fault because I went snooping where I had no business. How do I respond to that accusation? I have been true-blue to him for three years and have refused offers from different guys. Now I’m called a “fool” by the guy I thought I loved, and I’m all alone for the holidays. I’m still in shock! Help, please.

— Emotional Mess Won’t Die, West End

Dear Emotional Mess: Falling in love takes time, and so does falling out of it. Unfortunately, passionate feelings do not automatically shut down, especially when confused by apologies and protestations of love.

Plus, this boyfriend has put you on the stand — for the lesser crime of snooping on his computer and finding the evidence. Look, this guilty guy can put up any form of defence he wants, but the fact remains he was guilty of deceiving you repeatedly, and you have seen the proof. You innocently discovered his list of passwords, and used them. A lesser sin, some would argue.

Now, what can you do to get over him? For starters, stop expecting broken love to instantly fade away; it does take time. Secondly, start doing things with your true friends, as it will help heal you faster than going it alone. Finally, doing things for other people (and animals in need) will help you realize others are also hurting and will bring you some surprising comfort.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: With respect to your advice to “Missing Baked Treats” (the gal who loves to bake but worries she she and her partner are gaining too much weight), Your advice about staying active and also eating healthy was great.

I’d like to add that this gal can also continue to bake to her heart’s content, but after putting aside a reasonable amount of the goodies for themselves, she could pack up the rest and drop it off at a place like Agape Table (agapetable.ca) or another local charitable organization. Both my wife and mother have done this; they really appreciate receiving fresh-baked goods.

— Love Baked Treats Too, Winnipeg

Dear Baked Treats Family: Great idea! In fact, there are charities, churches and shelters that would love fresh baking dropped off any time of the year. A smart move is to phone their offices and check ahead for drop-off details as well as any health and safety rules (like awareness of ingredients that may cause allergic reactions) they may use.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I also love baking, and it’s a great hobby! The writer “Missing Baked treats” could also try making breads, pizzas and fresh pastas for meals, and perhaps her partner could look into buying a “small-batch” cookbook and some small pie and cake tins to prepare baked goods for Christmas presents. You can absolutely enjoy baking, but make four cupcakes instead of 24!

— Love Your Column, Manitoba

Dear Love: Thanks for making readers aware of “small-batch baking.” That’s much safer than “big-batch baking,” often intended to be given away to friends and relatives over holiday season — but never quite making it out of the house!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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