Polyamory proposal about ego, not affection

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/11/2022 (1049 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My boyfriend has been cheating on me. Instead of breaking down and crying, apologizing or even just leaving me, he had the gall to ask me if I wanted to be in a “polyamorous” relationship, with him and his other woman!

I broke down crying and told him to never contact me again, but he is calling me non-stop. I feel so angry and betrayed, and he pretends like he doesn’t understand why. He seems to think that because he invited me to be a part of his weird sex life, he’s being charitable. I don’t want his crumbs, but I also feel like an idiot, because I miss him — even after all this! What is wrong with me?

— Betrayed and Played, Winnipeg

Dear Played: You’re missing the guy he “seemed” to be, before he took on another lover. Now you’re getting to know him better. He has an oversized ego.

This other woman has captured his imagination now, and he’s throwing you a bone and thinking you might take it. You can do better than this. Luckily, there are a lot more men in the world who want a romantic one-on-one relationship, and aren’t shallow enough to try to justify their cheating with a sudden predilection for polyamory.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I live with a born-again workaholic. She’s started working nonstop on her computer — well into the night. At first, I thought it was because she was motivated by finally getting her dream job, but now I can feel she’s avoiding me. We both earn a good living, so we don’t have money troubles, and she doesn’t have to work 18 hours a day as she does now.

The worst thing? She has cooled off to me, in a big way. We rarely have sex, if I don’t initiate it. We never kiss each other anymore and we rarely hug. When she thinks I’m asleep, she sneaks off to another bed and gets back online. I feel like I have a roommate — one who barely talks to me.

She was a very passionate woman who used to need sex a lot! I suspect there’s someone else, hidden somewhere, and it could be her new boss — the jerk she quotes endlessly and is always talking to online “about work.” He’s a good-looking married guy. Help, please.

— Feeling Frozen Out, Windsor Park

Dear Frozen: That helpless frozen feeling is not going to go away until you accept the worst that can happen — a possible breakup. Then you can brace yourself and confront your wife. Start off by listing the symptoms of your ailing relationship, then ask for her list of complaints about you.

It would be wise at this point to tell her about your feelings of love for her. Then tell her you have a few important questions for her. Why is she burying herself in her work 24-7? Has she fallen out of love with you? Why does she avoid touching you? Is there someone she’s romantically interested in, even if they’re not yet intimate?

That might be her boss, someone else involved with her job or some old boyfriend who’s looked her up. Watch her face and body language closely when she hears that question. If she “startles,” you’ve likely hit on something that needs further exploring.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently started bass guitar lessons after retiring from my career in finance, and it turns out I’m really good — a “natural,” my teacher says. My husband, who has always been an athlete and more of a traditional man, recently told me he finds it unattractive. “Women shouldn’t play bass guitar!” he said, as if that were a truth of some kind.

I said, “Just watch me!“ What should I do? I’m so sick of being the person he wants me to be and I’m going to do what I want.

— He Hit a Sour Note, St. Boniface

Dear Sour Note: Don’t be bullied or belittled into giving up a creative endeavour you’re passionate about! You should try to connect musically with others who will actually appreciate your talent and help you grow as a musician.

A good place to start looking for middle-aged players may be the Belgian Club (right in your neighbourhood) and its Jammin’ on Thursdays events, hosted by the band Beg, Borrow and Steel. Musicians sign up to play a few songs in small groups, assembled by the host band, which can also provide back-up. (Visit belgianclub.ca for more info.)

Your music teacher may know of some other jam sessions you could connect with and you could also investigate online and via social media for open musical events at other venues.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.