You can eat your heart out, or you can move on

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This article was published 26/11/2022 (1404 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I recently found out one of my friends has been very quietly dating my ex-girlfriend. I guess I shouldn’t care, but I feel betrayed on some level. He should know better — but I should also have seen this coming. He’s exactly the kind of guy who dates his friends’ exes. He’s shy and doesn’t meet women on his own, but talks a lot to his friends’ girlfriends when we’re out as a group.

I left him out of the most recent hangout at my place, and now my other friends are asking about it, guessing the real issue. Should I just get over it, or are my feelings legit?

— Friend or Foe? North End

Dear Friend or Foe: Once you dump a person — you probably don’t want them around anymore. But they are free agents to say and do what they want, and to date freely. Anybody else who might want to ask them out — even a friend of yours — is OK to do that.

In smaller social circles, like a college, workplace or small town, you are likely going to know the next person your ex starts dating — and that’s tough for a while. The only option is to swallow your old ownership feelings and get busy looking for your next love.

City folks are not used to this, and can get very upset. They act like their friends should keep their paws off their exes for good, but that’s not the way the game of love goes. A little jealousy is the small but annoying price you pay for ridding yourself of a partner you no longer wanted.

So now, you must bite your lip. If you simply can’t keep quiet after you see your recent ex and this guy together, you might tell him privately he’d “better treat her right.” Unfortunately, he might hit back with something like “Trust me. I’m already treating her better than you did!” He’ll probably know exactly what you did or didn’t do, in detail. Yee-ouch!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend is middle-aged like me, and is having a crisis about her body. She’s been posting semi-nude photos of herself on Instagram, and to be honest, they are not flattering. She thinks she’s a model, and is telling people that’s her other job, when in truth she pays young photographers to take her pictures and posts the results.

It’s embarrassing. Neither of us have great bodies anymore. It does not make a lot of sense for people our age to be doing that!

While I’m happy she feels so confident about herself, why does she have to show it so embarrassingly? I love her and would never leave her, but I needed to get this off my chest. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, so I guess I’ll have to live with it. Tell me if there’s another way!

— Trying to be Reasonable, south Winnipeg

Dear Reasonable: “Tell me I’m still beautiful” is the name of this photographic exercise, aimed at a wider audience than just you. But if you shame your partner about it, she’ll lose trust in your love. Then she may run off into the arms of some guy who says she’s amazingly beautiful.

More than likely, he’ll be younger than you. Worse still, she may turn on you and your aging body, and give you a rundown on your shortcomings.

So, tell your girlfriend how beautiful she is without adding the words “to me,” which only serves to diminish the value of the compliment. Also, offer her some (true) details about her beauty to help restore her shaky middle-age confidence about her looks — and she will love you all the more.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately, especially about money. We both work, but don’t have much to show for it. Recently I went out of town to visit family. When I came back, my boyfriend had purchased a purebred puppy who’s living at his place. I was so furious that I didn’t go over and didn’t speak to him for two days.

He told me I was overreacting, and I blew up! He’s got a job, but he’s barely making ends meet — and he’s spending money on a dog? I told him to take it back, and he said he wouldn’t. When I look at that dog, I’m filled with anger, and that’s not fair to it or me. For the record, I’d never be mean to a dog, but I’m not crazy about them.

— Fed Up With Impulsive Boyfriend, Transcona

Dear Fed Up: You three are not a match. True dog lovers melt at the sight of a puppy, while you’re only glaring at this innocent furball. The fact you “couldn’t be mean to a dog” is a low recommendation for you to be a partner for this young man.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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