Ex-husband’s flowery missive a manipulative move

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/01/2023 (1362 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I received an unwelcome note under my front door from my ex-husband, asking me to take him back “in the name of all that’s good and right and honourable, and for the sake of our beautiful young children.”

He was always a flowery writer — good with the fancy words. He talked his way into and out of, a lot of situations — including other women’s bedrooms.

The problem I’m having is that my young son was the one who delivered the note to me in the kitchen — and he’d unfortunately read it.

He said, “Please, Mom, let Daddy come home! When we do something bad, you forgive us.”

Our marriage is dead for me, and I’m getting a divorce. That’s that! I hear my ex is out of a job again, and living with his mother, who always fell for his sob stories.

How can I tell my poor child his father is an alcoholic who cheated on me whenever he could get away with it? I found that out when one of his angry girlfriends got drunk, and phoned to “enlighten” me. She named other women he’d been with. I knew some of them. Children don’t need to hear about that kind of disgusting behaviour by people they love.

Their father had to know chances were good that one of the children would pick up that note, which was not even hidden in an envelope. Kids are curious.

What, if anything, can I do to stop this nonsense as I proceed to divorce? It’s making me crazy and hurting the children.

—Their Upset Mom, Westwood

Dear Upset Mom: Your ex-husband needs to hear again you’re 100 per cent finished with him, even though he may not be finished with you, emotionally.

In his own weird way, he may still love you, but he has destroyed any love and trust you once felt for him.

Cheaters don’t experience their own infidelity painfully, unlike the poor person who’s been cheated on. If your husband had casual sex and was drinking, a tryst may have meant nothing to him, and he may hardly remember it.

You need to call your divorce lawyer again, particularly about your husband’s drinking when it comes to visits and him driving the kids around. Establish safe limits in regard to visitation, enforceable by law. For instance, you may not want him in your home anymore, and you certainly don’t want him driving the kids around when he’s intoxicated.

He may need supervised visits with the children elsewhere — like at his mother’s house. You might need to drive them over and pick them up. It may be uncomfortable seeing him when you first transfer the kids, but you’ll get used to it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I fell in lust with a beautiful woman at my first New Year’s Eve party in years. She and I shared a New Year’s kiss in the upstairs hallway that went on and on.

When it was over, she said, “That can never happen again.” I said, “Why not?” and she said “Because I don’t want it to!” She was lying through her beautiful teeth. Then she escaped into the night.

I know where she works, but my friend who told me she took off warned me not to phone her, because she’d hang up in my ear. I asked why. Apparently, she has a girlfriend! She must be bisexual, because nobody kisses a guy like that if they aren’t turned on. Now what? Should I call her?

— Itching to Call, West End

Dear Itching: Despite what happened with you at the New Year’s Eve party, she is involved with somebody else. It doesn’t matter which gender. You were probably a fun New Year’s kiss to her — a little added spice. Try to enjoy that memory because you likely won’t be making any more with her, unless you attend next New Year’s party with the same crowd, and she drops by for a kiss.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I made some New Year’s resolutions last year about my big blimp of a body, and I blew them all in 10 days. This year, I didn’t make any, and I’m heavier than I was last year. What’s the use? I tried all kinds of diets in the last 12 months, but mostly my wife and I were staying home on the couch watching TV in our little two-bedroom bungalow.

Today my wife laughed at me trying to diet again! I actually heard her mutter that I look “pregnant.” That’s a real insult to a six-foot-tall man. Sometimes I hate my body and, to be honest, I don’t like hers anymore either. She’s also spreading out around the middle. Any suggestions?

— New Year Blimp, St. Boniface

Dear Blimp: You two need to become fitness partners, for the good of your health, sex life and relationship. Instead of focusing on food, make it a year to focus on movement. You don’t need to full-out run, but you do need to move a lot more, to get healthier and happier.

In the last few years, it’s become clear that the people losing weight and gaining muscle were the ones who could see proof of their efforts. A lot of people were wearing fitness trackers on their wrists that automatically count one’s steps every day. It’s easy to chalk up thousands if you go walking outdoors, in a gym or even just round and round your living space.

Chalking up 10,000-plus steps a day and watching diets meant a lot of people were losing some weight, while gaining muscle and stamina.

You might actually like this! It beats trying out another fad diet and failing, and then turning your anger inwards or aiming barbs at your partner.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.