Time to see the light on compassionless boyfriend

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This article was published 07/01/2023 (1363 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Everybody else had a great time at Christmas while I struggled alone with the depressing winter darkness — my old enemy.

I was feeling so down from my Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), I’d start crying at the drop of a hat. I really couldn’t hide my mood problem from my new live-in boyfriend anymore, when I started going to bed at 7 p.m. in the spare bedroom, to cry myself to sleep. My boyfriend thought I’d gotten sick with some disease and phoned my parents.

Mom said, “Didn’t she tell you she’s had SAD for years?” She said she’d bring over my SAD lights immediately, but she hadn’t seen them around. I confessed to her I already had the lights, but I buried them in our apartment locker downstairs, and simply couldn’t cope with digging for them.

I’d thought I could fight my embarrassing seasonal depression problem on my own, and my boyfriend didn’t need to know I was a “faulty specimen.” That’s a term I heard him use for another guy’s girlfriend, who had a health problem. He’s a bit of a narcissist.

My mother ran out and bought the best SAD light she could find, and brought it right over. She also asked me privately to please come back and stay with her and Dad for a week.

I went with her and the light that night — and now I don’t think my boyfriend wants me back. He says he now knows my big secret, and that I didn’t give him “full disclosure” when I moved with him. He said he had no idea he was moving in with a person with a “mental disability.” Now I have an even bigger reason to cry.

My parents say they love me more than anything, and want me living at their house. Should I stay with them, or beg my boyfriend to let me stay with him? I’m a big pain in his butt, and I know it.

— Miserable, Osborne Village

Dear Miserable: Don’t beg to stay with this unsympathetic boyfriend! He’s not the least bit distraught his girlfriend is struggling with SAD. He’s straight-up annoyed and turned off. He may need your half of the rent, but he doesn’t seem to need you.

You might give him a month’s rent ahead (no doubt your parents will help) so he has some time to get another apartment mate. Then move your stuff back home, to stay where you’re wanted and cared for.

No matter what, you must also see your physician ASAP, and have your mom go with you.

Sometimes doctors will prescribe anti-depressants for SAD, as you may know. Natural sunlight outside your parents’ house will also make a difference. Winter sunshine isn’t strong, but it can still be helpful, especially if you combine it with exercise which is another natural anti-depressant. You can get on top of this pretty fast.

Also, it’s important to reconnect with your friends. Daily walking, pond skating at our big parks and cross-country skiing with different friends will make a substantial difference in your mood.

Whatever you do, don’t bring your successes to this boyfriend’s attention in the hopes he’ll take you back. He’s no prize! Be glad you found that out now and don’t waste more of your time mooning over him. There are a lot of good guys in this world, when you’re ready. Consider getting some counselling to get past this type of guy for good.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: At the end of every December, I flip back through my diary and read about the last 12 months, looking to see what I’ve accomplished. Not much! The last two years, I was just wearing my COVID mask and just Stayin’ Alive, as the old song goes.

I’ve been trying to put together some new year’s resolutions for 2023 but I’ve lost my faith in the future, and haven’t gotten very far. Please help! Where can I buy some hope this year?

— Feeling Powerless, Riverview

Dear Powerless: As long as you’re not actively fighting the problems around you, it’s hard to feel like you have any traction; you’re just spinning your wheels. However, you can change that by attaching yourself to a helpful cause and the people involved. There is energy and power in numbers.

Ask a friend to join you and then choose a cause together from charity groups, political organizations, food programs, agencies aiding war-displaced people, raising funds for medical causes — so many options! Get involved, and you will soon find yourself with a reason to hope — because you’re seeing part of the remedy, close up. Good luck to you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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