Don’t write off addicted sister; seek ways to help

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 05/01/2023 (1365 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have a sister who’s mentally unstable and addicted to hard drugs. Multiple times she has embarrassed herself in front of my wife and children, taken advantage of us, lied to my parent and even stolen from us. I recently told her my little family won’t speak to her anymore.

My elderly parents are now guilting me, for turning my back on her. I feel like she did that to us over a decade ago! Why should I open my door in the suburbs to a lying thief who lives downtown and wants money (or something she can sell for money) every time we see her?

— Brother of a Drug Addict, Winnipeg

Dear Brother: You can still talk to your sister on the phone once in a while and buy her lunch in a restaurant, rather than cutting her off totally. Unlike you, she is a slave to addiction, and it’s horrible for her. She is unable to avoid the poverty that goes with it, and she’s stealing to have enough money for food, a bed and a fix — especially when she’s strung out and suffering.

The Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (afm.mb.ca) offers multiple resources for families and friends of addicted people — to help them understand the addiction, cope with the addicted loved one and find ways to try to help, instead of just feeling angry and helpless.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m bringing up four kids with a husband who’s kind and loving. He works hard to support us. Out of guilt, I usually don’t treat myself to much, although he encourages me to. I always feel like I’m spending his hard-earned money, although he never would speak those words.

At my husband’s urging, I made some “be good to myself” New Year’s resolutions for 2023. It felt so good that I wanted to share. My list is short and easy to remember: stop cutting my own hair; sign up for yoga, because moms need to be strong; make extra meals ahead and take a day off cooking sometimes; teach our older kids how to help with laundry; and arrange fun date nights with my husband.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? My man says the big benefit of my “treating” myself is going to be a happier wife. It’s true! Then I’ll feel more playful, sexy and youthful! I hope I don’t fail. Let’s go, 2023!

— Resolving to ‘Treat’ Myself, St. James

Dear Resolving: Even if you can’t follow through all the time, don’t make the mistake of throwing out your resolutions. Just put that list on the fridge, and let the family be aware of it to help you out. Aim for a passing mark of 50 per cent or better and you’ll still be much happier. Good luck!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for the young husband who wrote about his wife being unhappy because she was getting an impersonal washer and dryer as her Christmas present. (I suggested smaller, personal gifts between them at Christmas, and bigger household items as part of the household budget. —Miss L.)

My husband and I will be celebrating our 45th anniversary this coming year. It was decided early on that big gifts for the house or yard were for both of us. Like a lot of men and women, he told me he didn’t want to buy me the wrong gift, but still wanted to surprise me.

The solution we came up with was simple, I’d go window shopping, and select items I’d like. I’d have the sales clerk write down the information he would need to buy the item (size, item number). At the end of November, I’d hand him a stack of cards. He’d then go shopping and select the gift(s) he wanted to give me for Christmas. He’d do the same for me, so I could buy him the right gadget, “thingamajig” or hobby item he’d like. This saved us a lot of time we could spend together after the holiday, rather than hunting for receipts and running back to the store to exchange or get refunds.

— Happily Married, West End

Dear Happily Married: This is a great solution, as there are a number of smaller gift items that catch the eye during the year, and it’d be fun to go on little junkets with a gift-hunting purpose in mind. By the end of the year, there’d still be the element of surprise if your list had a number of items on it. Thanks for your tip!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography