Offering ex your view of breakup could backfire

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/01/2023 (1309 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: After Christmas, I caught sight of my old boyfriend at the mall. It took all my will not to rush up to him. It had been more than three years. Then, I saw the woman he was holding hands with.

She had different-coloured hair and it was really short, but it was my former assistant! She used to handle my calls for me and he would have been calling me in those days. She quit her job right after we broke up.

I never saw her again. Now I’m obsessed about how she got her hands on him, and how soon. I remember she was very solicitous when she heard we broke up — and brought me lattes and cookies. She must have been laughing behind her hand as I sat there crying, deeply upset and unable to work.

I find myself obsessing now. I know it’s ridiculous, but she knew the problems he and I were having. I think about her holding his hand in the mall, and I just feel sick.

He used to complain that I’d never take his calls at the office and it hurt him. I’d say, “That’s absolutely not true!” And it wasn’t. On reflection, I realize she was making up refusals from me and sympathizing with him — setting me up for the fall.

How can I get past this? I want to talk to him and tell him the truth! Should I?

— Backstabbed, St. James

Dear Backstabbed: You don’t owe your former assistant anything. You could call your ex-boyfriend up at his work and explain what you think was going on, if it’ll make you feel better. It might be awkward, and ironically your ex might accuse you of backstabbing his new love.

You’ll have to decide how much it means to you at this point to get the truth out from your side. Be aware that he might actually think it’s cute she went to such lengths to get her mitts on him!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I bit my new boyfriend’s arm when he made me mad — and he bit me back on my bare shoulder! Then he yelled, “Don’t ever bite me again!”

I was shocked, and afraid. I’m just a small woman, and he’s a big guy. I didn’t leave much of a mark on him, but he left a mark on me.

Should we break up for good? He says to give him time to think — and he’ll get back to me. Did he really mean that? No call yet. He makes me feel so angry and hurt!

— Upset and Waiting for Days, Transcona

Dear Waiting for Days: Your biting behaviour was totally out of line. You lost this boyfriend’s trust and respect the minute you bit him. But then, he reacted in a similarly violent way! Biting is the way wild animals fight.

You should know violent fighting doesn’t always make for remorse, particularly from the person who gets attacked first. In fact, if you got back together, this fight could be the first step to violent physicality between you.

But it seems he has moved on now, as he’s not calling. It’d be wise to give up on the relationship from your side — whether he calls or not. Then get some serious counselling and move on, hopefully as a wiser, gentler woman who can talk things out.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to make big changes in my life in 2023, but I have the wrong friends for doing that.

My family have been bugging me to get rid of my old friends who were still partying hard at the bars all through holidays, but I just can’t. I didn’t try to make new friends when I was at college, as I was busy every weekend with them. I have no one else.

If I dropped these high school buddies, I’d find myself alone. I know they are going to continue holding me back, as my dad says.

I recently got a good job they seem to resent, but still, they’re the only people who call me to go out for a drink or to see a band.

— The Misfit, North End

Dear Misfit: You can change crowds, even if you’re shy, as long as you’re a good worker. People who move cities, provinces or even countries do it.

Changing crowds is a bit scary at first, but less so if you hook up with two or three different groups. Events conducive to meeting friends such as the folk, jazz and fringe festivals require active volunteer teams. Prep work starts many months before, so find ways to get involved now.

Enthusiastic new volunteers are noticed and appreciated, and quickly invited into the social aspect of the group. You should ask, “Do people go out after? Do you have a hangout nearby?” That will show you’re open to new friends, and both fun and sociable.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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