The truth will avert long-distance train wreck

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/02/2023 (1278 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can’t believe how I let things go this far. For fun, I started online dating a man from another country across the Atlantic, never thinking it’d progress to something big. My problem is I made myself out to be this exciting person I’m definitely not.

Now he’s dying to meet me in person. He also said he’s never fallen for someone as quickly as he’s fallen for me. He even used the L-word last night, and he says he’s starting the process to come and see me!

He’s given me very few details about himself, but I’ve seen his photo and he’s very good-looking. He always says, “I’m boring. Let’s talk about you and your life.”

I’m sick to my stomach. When he does come to see me, he’ll be in for a huge surprise — from my no-job situation, to my imaginary friends and my home — all a complete lie!

The only way out of this is for me to tell him, or just to ghost him. Or for me to go to see him, but I don’t have the money for that, or even a passport. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

— In a Bind, Downtown

Dear Bind: Drop this fellow quickly by telling him honestly you were lying. He may be shocked, but there’s a chance he may laugh because maybe he was running a romance scam and was trying to play you, too! He may have thought the L-word he dropped recently was his ticket into your heart and your bank account.

Let’s talk about this guy’s suspicious response. He “fell in love” after you impressed him with the “facts” that you were attractive, exciting and rich. Consider researching online romance scams around the world. Bid this man adieu, and don’t be afraid you’re going to break his heart. Then, try to learn from your mistake. The lies you told this man about your life situation reveal helpful information about what you really want — a job, a home and friends. They could be part of your medium-term goals.

At the moment, nothing in your life needs to be grandiose. You just need to build a fun and comfortable situation, locally. That means finding a social job and a place to live that’s warm, safe and friendly.

Lots of restaurant jobs are opening up as COVID has subsided somewhat. A job in the serving industry with people your age would be a good social situation for you. All you need is a basic wage with an opportunity to earn tips, and then possibly move in with some fun co-workers you befriend from work.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I seriously annoyed a woman I work with, saying something rude about lesbians. I didn’t know she was seeing this woman who ranks way above us at work.

Now as I sit and brood about it, I realize I’ve said a number of unwise things to her about the little lesbian clique at our work. Why can’t I keep my big mouth shut?

I feel like I need to do damage control, but if I try to explain myself, I may end up in even worse trouble. I’m at a middle rung on the work ladder.

If I do say something to try to cancel what I first said way back when, and muck it up even worse, I’m afraid I’ll never get the administrative job I want in the long run. Help!

— Rude Dude, West End

Dear Rude Dude: Nasty personal comments — discriminatory, sexist or otherwise — can block up the arteries that connect to the heart of an organization. And sometimes those comments just stick there, even though they were spoken years ago and the person who made them may even have changed their mindset.

Don’t waste your whole career, being blocked from rising to the position you want, but be careful. You could maybe try apologizing if you sincerely mean it, and you think there’s a chance it’d be accepted. Life is short, and work life is even shorter. So, instead of putting your head down and hoping your comments are forgotten, start looking for a different path. Check out totally new workplaces, where you will never again make that particular verbal slip-up.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography