Try to get family on same page over work-life balance

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This article was published 10/02/2023 (1336 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I work a lot, and my stay-at-home wife is getting more and more upset. My extra work requires me to leave town — sometimes for two weeks at a time — and she says she‘s getting “plenty tired of that.” I can’t fault her for feeling this way, but this is also the same woman who told me she wished we had more money, because we were broke for such a long time when our kids were younger.

They’re teenagers now and she’s still at home, full-time. Why? I’m plenty tired of that! And guess what? With my job, this is the only way I can earn extra money for us all. What can I do? How much should I have to work just to keep this woman happy?

— Can’t Please Her, West Kildonan

Dear Can’t Please: There’s no reason you should carry the whole load, now that the kids are teenagers. As sole contributor to the household finances, you need to ask for help from the whole family, including your wife. The question: Could she and your teenagers start working part-time outside the house? Call a family meeting one night when people are full of dinner, and in a good mood. Outline the problem without laying blame.

Ask what different family members could do part-time, so you don’t have to leave town anymore to take on extra work.

As for the approaching need for education funds for your kids, help your teens look up the many bursaries and scholarships they could tap into if they knew enough about them and what to aim for. Too many students don’t have the faintest clue about the thousands on offer, until it’s too late to shoot for the marks and requirements.

Later that night, talk privately to your wife about what she misses in the work-for-pay world and what she might like to do part-time now the kids are older. She might be miffed at first, but her mind may turn over different options and find one that appeals. Plus, if she liked her work before she had kids, she might want to get back into that part-time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Is it silly to expect a man to share his feelings? I’m a gay man dating a wonderful guy who recently revealed to me that every time he’d opened up and shared his true feelings in past relationships — bam! — the person he was dating would find a way to use that against him.

He’s a great guy, but recently we got into some rocky territory, and had a fight or two. Each time we got past the anger, he’d shut right down and go silent. I couldn’t figure out why. How can I get him to open up to me emotionally? I won’t hurt him like his past partners did, and I know he could never hurt a fly.

— Understanding Guy, St. Boniface

Dear Understanding: Sometimes a person needs to be able to hurt a fly — but he just can’t. Your new guy has experienced that, and he knows he’s just not tough enough to shut people up. He just shuts down himself.

So, why is it he senses he’s in the same situation with you? Why have you been having “a fight or two” with a gentle guy, and why are you looking for ways to pry him open? It’s fair to say you’re the stronger person, at least verbally. Consider the possibility that a gentle partner — who is more like himself — might not be frightening to him. In that case, he might open up naturally, and be able to stay that way.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother and her girlfriends go to the casinos a lot. Transcona, where we live, is still a small town in some ways and I work in a very public place. I get casual reports about my mom hitting the machines. She tells people she “wins a lot” and they say stuff to me like, “Your mom is so lucky. She told me she won again last night!” My mom also lies a lot.

On the other hand, I wonder if it’s any of my business how my mother spends her money. She’s the happiest old lady I know. My question to you is this: How do I know Mom has enough money to pay for her apartment, food and expenses? What if she doesn’t and gets kicked out of her place?

Then she’ll be living at my house. I’m her only “child,” now in my 50s. I’m not sleeping well anymore, as I think about this. I don’t want her living with me, and my wife might leave me if Mom moved in.

—Son of a Senior Gambler, Transcona

Dear Son: You’re losing sleep, so you have to stick your big nose into Mom’s business now. You need to find out if she is addicted to gambling, but be careful how you approach her. Try this: Tell Mom you want to go out with her gang for dinner and a night at the casino. Plan to stay with her until she calls it quits that night.

Whatever you do, don’t quiz her all night and come off like a disapproving parent. You need to see how she conducts herself when she’s not feeling like she has a private investigator on her heels. So, just play games near her and watch her casually. Try try to find out approximately how much she’s won — and how much she actually spends trying to “win” that little bundle.

Also find out the “best places to gamble” in town from chatty casino pals of your mom. That might give you an idea where else your mom may go, over the span of a week or two, in case she’s betting more than her friends know.

Best case scenario? You might find Mom spends a small amount of money on gambling and mostly has a fun time with friends, which means you can relax.

However, she may be onto you, and cleverly fake only a casual interest in the games and spend very little money the one night you’re there with her. Then again, she might get caught up in gambling excitement, lose her initial feeling of caution and start spending a bundle to win. Good luck with your investigation!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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