Settle family bygones to shed burden of shame

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 13/02/2023 (1329 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I read in your column about the mother of the “27-Year-Old Teenager” who won’t leave home. I moved out at 18, after a big fight with my mother. I had to get a job right away and become strong on my own. When I needed furniture — other than packing crates and a mattress — I had to get two jobs. But I got some really nice stuff in the end, and impressed everybody.

Then I saved and saved for years, and bought my own little house in my mid-20s, when prices were much lower than now. I have the respect of my parents and the best relationship with my mom now out of all her children. Sadly, the day I moved out, I swore at my mother and called her terrible names — and it’s still a bad memory for me. What can I do?

— Cuss Monster, North Kildonan

Dear Cuss Monster: You need to apologize one more time, even though it’s many years later. Carrying a burden of shame is not good for your self-esteem and gets in the way of an open and loving relationship between you and your mom. You could bring her a nice gift of love for Valentine’s Day — like a cake, a nice selection of sweets or whatever treats she’s fond of. Tell her you’re still feeling badly many years later for cursing her out.

She may still carry some guilt as well for kicking you out at such a young age. You can thank her for “boosting” you into an early independence, and developing a strong pride in yourself. Then offer up a hug, and you two can forgive each other for good!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m 18 and just started going with a new girl I’m really excited about, but Valentine’s Day is too soon to give her jewelry as a gift. Besides, she wears high-quality stuff. What flowers can I give her instead, that she will really like? Not too big a bouquet, but not too small.

— Wanting to Impress Her, St. Boniface

Dear Wanting To Impress: A bouquet of flowers with several roses of different colours plus some green foliage would be pretty and personal in a new relationship. (A whole bouquet of passionate red roses might scare her parents.) Light- to medium-pinks express new caring and burgeoning passion. Bright-yellow roses symbolize friendship, while orange roses convey excitement.

If money is an issue, you can often find mixed bouquets already bundled for you at grocery stores with floral departments. Tip: Get there early in the day if you want them to be at their freshest.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m so bossy, it’s killing my marriage. I grew up in a household that was highly competitive, and now I’m having trouble with my poor husband. When I was young, I naturally competed with my siblings, and mostly I won. Now that I’m married, I find myself competing with my man. There’s no winner — and the big loser is our sex life.

Also, growing up in my family, there was no excuse at our house good enough to justify us watching TV all night. Now, just like my parents, I’m getting after my partner for watching TV and playing video games endlessly. It really makes no sense, as he has an amazing, high-stress job and needs that time to unwind.

I know I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t get past my parents’ voices in my head. Yesterday he called me “Big Mama.” I know this bad energy is what’s killing our sex life. Help!

— Big Mama No. 2, West End

Dear Big Mama No. 2: Ask yourself this: “What’s the worst thing that can happen if I stop acting like a bossy mother?” Answer: You’ll end up a fun and happy couple again, with a lively sex life.

However, it will take time and effort, and you’re too proactive to just sit around and wait. That means you’ll be forced to fill up your own life with fun things to do right now. Organize winter sports and arts activities with some couples outside the house, and identify other things you’d like to do alone or with buddies of both sexes — like skating, lunches, live theatre, music and comedy events.

Bottom line: You need to make yourself too busy to stress out anymore. Then you can be glad your husband is happy at home, relaxing with the TV or playing games on his computer. He might even miss you!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography