Consider the costs of fessing up to regretted kiss

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This article was published 09/02/2023 (1335 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I did something bad, no getting around it. I kissed a man at work recently, when we were there late. I’m married with children and riddled with guilt, but here’s the worst part: I was so turned on by the kiss, I would have gone for more if I thought I could have gotten away with it. It made me feel so wild and young and free.

Now it’s over and I’ve calmed down, but the heebie-jeebies are coming on. I realize I can’t lose my family and my home! As well as my husband, my parents and siblings would completely reject me. Yet, here I am sitting on what feels like a secret so big I’m getting sick. I now realize why people confess to crimes. The secret eats you alive.

What can I do? I need to confess to my husband, but if I do, I’ll ruin everyone’s lives. Is this my cross to bear for life?

— Kissed Another Man and Loved It, Brandon

Dear Kissed Another Man: If your husband kissed a woman at work one night, and it made no difference to your marriage, he regretted it and it wasn’t going to happen again, would you want to hear about it? If he confessed, that illicit kiss would also stick in your thoughts, and you might feel you had to break up over it. Also, it might give you licence to kiss a guy other than your husband someday — a free pass, if you will. There’s lots to consider here. How much should this kiss cost you, your husband and kids?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new wife (in her mid-20s) secretly quit her job and didn’t tell me, for two whole weeks. She got up every morning and put on a big show. She’d complain about getting up early, shower, make a lunch and leave the house. Then, she’d come back an hour after I’d gone to work! I only found out because my neighbour mentioned it to me.

When I confronted her, my wife broke down crying. I’m so angry I can’t even speak to her. I’m 37 with a serious medical practice. I’m also on my second marriage after losing the first one to my “workaholism.”

My ex-wife said I worshipped work. I don’t. But I feel like the trust with my new wife is completely gone already. I get that she’s embarrassed, but I’m furious. How could she lie so easily and completely, and stage such a show after pledging her life to me? Should I leave? She’s a liar.

I’m having thoughts of getting out before there are any of the kids I so badly want, and she promised to give me. I thought she was a normal, honest young woman and was all ready to settle down and build a family.

— Shocked and Ready to Call Lawyer, Tuxedo

Dear Shocked: Your young wife is behaving like a desperate woman. Why? You sold her on your weighty priorities and the ideal of domestic bliss and family. She may have thought her job was now to be an old-fashioned at-home wife of a well-to-do man who’d learned his lesson. She could relax and get pregnant whenever it happened, and you’d start a family together. She may not have known you would be back working hard again right away, and would want her also working hard outside the house, until she got pregnant.

Do you love this woman? Can you afford for her to be an at-home wife — fully contented and ready to have babies if you’re both so blessed? Maybe you could afford to do things differently this time round, and achieve a different, happier result.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was out for dinner with my COVID-era boyfriend for the first time, and he embarrassed me with his low-class behaviour. Then I saw how he treats service staff. He was loud, rude, constantly looking for reasons to be upset, and even snapped his fingers at our server, and said, “Over here, Mac!”

He didn’t leave a tip, so I slipped money under my plate. It was horrible. I can’t believe I didn’t see the signs. Now what? He scares me now, and I’m thinking this guy might have real anger issues. What could that mean for me?

— Horrifying Idea, Westwood

Dear Horrifying: It could mean big trouble for you. His rude and angry behaviour won’t remain isolated to restaurants. Once he thinks he’s got you, you’ll become an easy target in private, with no one to protect you. People in the dating world — both men and women — can’t afford to overlook first clues like this. If your date can behave like this in public, imagine what he can do behind closed doors.

When he asks you for another date, say firmly, “No thanks. I saw how you treated that waiter when we went out for dinner, and I won’t allow that in my life. Goodbye, and don’t call again.” Then hang up first. Not another word is needed; you certainly don’t have to defend yourself to him.

Be aware this kind of guy is likely to call back repeatedly, so he can tell you off. His ego needs to get in the last word. If so, block his number, before he can do that, and change your locks if he has a key. You don’t need that worry, should he come calling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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