It’s your call on further contact with ‘dad’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My birth father has shown up in Manitoba — he got a transfer here for a job. He has never expressed any interest in me before except to send my mother pay-off money over the years.

At his insistence, I met recently with him and his wife for lunch and then we went to a mall where he wanted to buy me really expensive running shoes. I’m an adult — not a little kid.

Also, “Dad” is not a success in my eyes. Where was he when I really needed him?

Unfortunately, I look just like him — the younger version my mom says she fell for years ago. Apparently, I passed muster at the first meeting with him and he wants to have a barbecue at their house to show me around to other relatives.

Should I go? Am I being used in some way, as if to say, “See, he turned out all right. I’m not such a bad father after all?”

— Undecided ‘Son,’ Winnipeg

Dear Undecided: Why not go for the experience, even just to see what your other relatives are like? If you aren’t interested in carrying it past that, don’t continue. It can be interesting to meet other people from one’s birth family to experience their personalities and compare likenesses.

It’s mildly interesting stuff, but it’s not necessary to go any further than that, unless you really want to. You don’t owe anything to this birth father who didn’t pay attention to you when you were growing up. That may not have been his wish, so check that out, too. Ask your mother directly if he was forbidden to see you, at least in the early days.

Perhaps your mother told him to go away and stay away, so she could make another life. Now the door is opening to ask all your questions and find out more. Your father may not feel comfortable telling you the full story, but some aunts may be more willing to spill some family gossip.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What a shock. I am out at the lake with my kids and my boyfriend from many years ago is also here with his children. He is single again and so am I.

This wasn’t planned. Our rental cottages are pretty close, and our kids quickly found each other.

One of my young sons was playing on the beach and pretending to be absorbed with the big sand villain he was building. But he was actually listening in as I talked with his new friend’s dad.

Back at the cabin he said, “Mom, is that guy your boyfriend?” I didn’t know what to say, so I told him the truth that he used to be my boyfriend a long time ago before I met his dad, but we are just friends now.

Now I don’t know what to think. We didn’t split up badly.

He was a nice guy. There was just too much competition when he would go off to play with his various teams. He was quite the star, and shone at every sport he tried. I couldn’t stand going and watching the girls flirting with him, so I finally stopped going to watch him play.

He said it made him feel like he no longer had a girlfriend because I didn’t care enough to be there cheering for him.

Well, he doesn’t play high-level competitive sports anymore, but he’s always going to be an athlete. I must admit I feel tempted. I like the older, wiser guy he is now, and I don’t have a man in my life.

Is it foolish to go for round two with a guy when it didn’t work out the first time?

— Been This Way Before, St. James

Dear Been This Way: It depends on how much both of you are willing to compromise. You can’t expect a sports “star” to just quit playing, but some guys work a lot more time at their real jobs as they get older, so it happens naturally.

If he has a career he likes now, he may only play sports for fun. Could that work for you?

Be bold and ask him what he sees for himself in life at this point before you make a decision on pursuing a relationship.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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