Zen boyfriend was high on more than life

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/12/2015 (3953 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My laid-back boyfriend of one year’s time has been telling me he’s “naturally Zen,” and I believed him. Then I found out he took drugs, and not the kind you get from a doctor. I am a Mennonite girl, so when I grew suspicious of the faint smell on his jacket, I searched his apartment and found his stuff. I approached him about it and he started yelling about my snooping, but I knew enough not to be side-tracked by that.

We had it out. He’s been doing different drugs since his teens, and now he does “mostly” marijuana. I broke up with him. Now, a month later, he claims he’s clean because he loves me so much. My religion teaches forgiveness and second chances, but I don’t feel very forgiving. I loved him and was ready to marry him! But, I have asked myself this: if he went clean for me, what would happen when he’s displeased with me, or even just bored, at some point in a marriage?

I even wonder what happens if we had kids and they found out in the future that he was a heavy drug user in his youth and tapered off to marijuana? What does that teach young people, that it’s OK if you can get clean later when the roof is caving in and your partner’s leaving? Should I listen to him and forgive him and give him another chance?

— Hard-Hearted Woman, East Kildonan

Dear Hard-Hearted Woman: You already know you don’t want to forgive him, and it’s a good instinct. You just feel guilty about not being forgiving. How you feel in your gut is what matters here, and you don’t feel like giving him a second chance. That’s all that matters. You don’t trust this guy, and for good reason.

It’s not totally about the drugs; it’s about hiding the truth and doing things he knew you wouldn’t like until you had to search his place and catch him. So now that you’ve turfed him, let him stay turfed. Your relationship would always feel like a three-legged table — totally insecure.

You think you should listen and forgive and feel guilty because of your spiritual teachings, but there’s one time when you have to be completely selfish, and that’s in your choice of a mate. It doesn’t matter what you think you “should” do as a nicey-nice person.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography